Thinking of Ending It All

Wonder if I can swim to Ireland and freedom before the jellyfish sting me to death?

Hey Get That Frisbee, will ya?

I got the rest of this stuff.

Next Year I'm Bringing Two Beach Towels

Twenty by eight feet, one bathroom, ten people - you do the math.

Town Hall Beatdown

The conservative blogosphere are wetting their panties about jackbooted union thugs tossing a bunch of teabaggers out of a townhall meeting in Tampa. The beatee, one Mr. Arthur, is interviewed looking rather perplexed that that he tried to push his way into a meeting and got pushed back. Now I don't want to belittle the trauma that poor Mr. Arthur, who's only crime was to try to enter a public meeting and shout inanities in an effort to destroy any semblance of reasoned discourse, suffered during this horendous takedown. And I sure none of this was covered in Rush's playbook. You surely don't expect to be bullied when you're intent on bullying someone else. During the fracas Mr. Arthur lost almost all the buttons on his shirt, giving him more of a South Beach than Panhandle look, and suffered a moderate to severe Indian burn (which really stings) on his arm. I'm sorry, but this doesn't even qualify as a beatdown in Chevy Chase, let alone Tampa. The UMW organizers of my Grandaddy's day are looking down from that Tavern in the Sky and rolling their eyes at what they're calling a beating these days. They gave out way worse at their own meetings, to their own members.

So I'm urging everyone to calm down and take a step back. We're all Americans here, even the stupid ones. Yeah, I'm talking about you, Grandpa, waving your Medicare supplied cane and screaming about socialized medicine. Chill out. Cooler heads need to prevail before something far worse happens and someone ends up with a Texas Wedgie or a Purple Nurple.

Ch-ch-ch Changes

The American Psychological Association has determined that programs designed to ungay gays do not work and do not change the sexual orientation of gay men. Gayness is incurable. So is blond hair, blue eyes and strawberry allergies. It may be hard to exactly pinpoint what constitutes being gay. It seems to be a sliding scale ranging from drag queens to art handlers to megachurch pastors to orthopedic surgeons to Republican senators to the guys back in D&E to married with children to polygamists to Double Y's. Maybe the scale isn't linear but curves back on itself, kind of like, um, a circle. But I don't want to think about that.

Reaction from recently outed public figures has been swift:

"I'm so furious I could slap somebody. I took the cure and I'm one hundred per cent fabulous heterosexual man meat. I'm living proof it works."
Ted Haggard - unemployed former holy man

"See, I told you. But I'm still not gay."
Larry Craig - former Senator and current men's room attendant

But Scripto, you say: Being that you have no knowledge of genetics and even less of embryology, how can you be so sure that homosexuality is innate rather than a choice? Here's how, doofus dear reader. When I was a lad there was a pair of twin boys that lived across the street. Let's call them A and B (B really was kind of a B, if you know what I mean). A liked girls. B liked boys. Now either B made this lifestyle choice sometime in kindergarten or he really didn't have any choice in the matter. What do you think?

Public Service Announcement

Mirrored this video in hopes of preserving this moment in sports history for posterity. Evidently David Feherty wandering around the Buick Open farting on mike is copyright protected. The PGA is no doubt worried that this will increase the popularity of televised golf and attract the wrong demographic. People who appreciate a good fart joke are unlikely to need Viagra or be inclined to buy a Buick.

UPDATE: The PGA has determined that Tiger Woods was not the source of the mysterious fart as he has a caddie that does all his farting for him. David Feherty is now identified as the likely culprit, although he has neither admitted nor denied his role in this affair. We at Woo University call on David to man up and come clean regarding his involvement in this unfortunate incident.