Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Great Aweakening

 Not weak - never showed pain - not even when waxing
"These programs actually weakened us as a people. You see, almost forever, it was institutions in society that assumed the role of taking care of one another. If someone was sick in your family, you took care of them. If a neighbor met misfortune, you took care of them. You saved for your retirement and your future because you had to. We took these things upon ourselves in our communities, our families, and our homes, and our churches and our synagogues. But all that changed when the government began to assume those responsibilities. All of a sudden, for an increasing number of people in our nation, it was no longer necessary to worry about saving for security because that was the government’s job." -  Marco Rubio Tea Pot vunder boi

More hazy reminisces about the foggily perceived "good ole days"  from another right wing  knothead who doesn't read and evidently doesn't care to. Americans have been whining for the some government or another to make it all better. Waahh - the Indians are bothering me, Waahh - rustlers are stealing my cattle, Waahh - my kid's dying of Yellow Fever. Here's a news flash for you Marco - people are people (and people who need entitlements are the luckiest...) When my grandpa was born people had the good sense to die at an average age of 47 so there was no need for those pesky entitlement programs. And those  who were too old to work and had misspent their wages on stuff like food and shelter could always count on the churches and synagogues (hat tip to Marco's South Fla retirement constituents - what - no mosques?) to stack them somewhere. Hey, and if Grannie can knit she sure as fuck can run a stamping press. I don't care how old you are - a free ride is bad for character. Better to cough your last lung out sorting coal than sitting around waiting to die. Pussies - are there no workhouses? Are there no ice flows?  Of course back then there was no such thing as Alzheimer, oldsters were only "confused". If they got really confused they were "senile". And if they got really senile Mom didn't work so she was always around to change Grannie's diaper. Life was like Little House on the Prairie only smellier.   That was just the tail end of our societal weakening. The pussification of the sturdy American yeoman started much earlier- child labor laws, compulsory education, OSHA, overtime pay, unemployment insurance. All that crap has turned us into the doughy sluglike parasites that are draining the coffers of the job creators. I'd be ashamed of myself  but I'm not collecting yet.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Safe From the Zombie Apocalypse*

no blinkin' lincoln
"I have a spine made of titanium" - Michele Bachmann
And just as flexible. That trumps Obama's spine of steel
. I guess that's to square the circle and resolve the perceived conflict between being as a good Christian woman subservient to her husband and being her own woman as commander in chief. Alex Wagner on the Mr Irritating Potato Head show thought the Newsweek cover shot unfairly showed her as "blank and confused". In other words her natural state. If her handlers can get her to stop confusing her mascara with Super Glue she may have a shot at the nomination. No wonder she gets migraines.  She does have a Palinesque appeal to the legion of Republican dumbasses who aren't rich. That's what the bell curve does for you. Since stupid worked back in 2000 and 2004 I guess the conservative powers that be have decided for laughs to change it up and go with crazy:
  "But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States."
Like them guys in the Bible that lived to be 150 years old. And that whole 3/5ths thing in the Constitution? That was just a fakeout.

*no brain to eat - I know - it's not a joke if you have to explain it.  So fuck you.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Man vs Wild - The Sharkening

Since it's Shark Week - here's a little tale. A tale of a fateful trip...

It's not often that I impress my grandson, jaded as he is by years of video games and movie super heroes. The first was when I explained to him why Ghost Adventures was total bullshit and the other time when I went swimming with a shark. Not exactly on purpose but I did.

The whistle blows and the life guard motions everyone out of the water.

"What's going on"
"Marine activity"
"What kind of marine activity"
"Can't say"
"Can't or won't. Does it have something to do with that fin out there?"
"Can't say"

I guess the word "shark" is verboten for officials of the tourist dependent Dewey Beach. Near as I could tell there were two marine actors working the shallows. A big ray and some sort of shark. I'm not sure what it was but it was about 6 or 8 feet long. Somebody said they saw a thresher shark a little earlier offshore but this thing looked like a big sand shark. So the shark moves up the coast and the life guards let everyone back in. I'm floating on my back about 30 yards out when I see a nice big fin cut across my feet almost close enough to touch. Now I want everyone to know I did not shit myself, not even a little. I may, however, have squirted a little urine into the water. For that I apologize.

My initial reaction was to scream like a little girl, turn on my belly and swim as fast as I could to shore. Then I got the feeling that all that splashing around may draw some unwanted attention. Meanwhile, the lifeguard's blowing his whistle like crazy and waving for me to come in. No shit, sherlock. I think I'll just float around out here hoping I get my ass bit off. So, slowly, slowly, I backstroked elementary style all the way back in. The boy's eyes were big as saucers. That made it all worthwhile.