Thursday, February 26, 2009

What's That Smell?

Now I know Governor Jindal has had a bad week, what with being the governor of a state that has required billions of dollars of federal money just to survive and being simultaneously tasked by the Republican party with explaining why it is wrong for the federal government to spend money, so I hope y'all don't think I'm piling on by bringing up this story I read in
The Daily Beast concerning an article Jindal wrote for the New Oxford Review titled "Beating a Demon: Physical Dimensions of Spiritual Warfare".

We've all done things that we regret, particularly in our younger days. Thought things, that in retrospect, were so mind numbingly stupid that we shudder to recollect them. But never, in the mind altered, anti-vaccine, New Age, nature boy, drunken stupor that was my college years did it ever occur to me that my girlfriend required an exorcism. Some of them may have been a little odd, but possessed? I don't think so. Of course, I didn't attend a whole lot of prayer meetings so maybe there is some sort of group dynamic that I'm not aware of. If you are looking for demons you just might find them. Especially in the area of the colon, as Luther was well aware.

Some of the symptoms Bobby's girlfriend exhibited (besides hanging out with Bobby Jindal) included trailing an odor of sulfurous vapors wherever she went and being unable to repeat the phrase "Jesus is Lord" without bursting into obscenities. Kind of like Richard Dawkins after an egg salad sandwich. You would think a Rhodes scholar would be able to eliminate the obvious, such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome mixed with a dash of Tourettes or possibly IBS induced melancholia, before launching into spiritual warfare. He felt a sense of oppression and found it very hard to breathe whilst casting the demon out. I'm sure he did. That was probably the IBS, Bobby. Although it may seem so at times I doubt that the Devil is directly responsible for farts. If the poor girl smelled that bad why didn't you just dump her instead of putting her through a humiliating public exorcism?

So one of the new faces of the Republican party is a self proclaimed exorcist and the other one
needed to be prayed over to keep the witches at bay. That should lock up the batshit crazy vote for 2012. Next.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

They're Baaaack!

And just in time for dinner and the coming Apocalypse. Derek and Sharon Gilbert, the Regis and Kathy Lee of paranoid eschatology, and hosts of PID Radio. Making dinner was never the same during their hiatus. Often I would drop silverware into the sink, burn or cut myself as I listened in slack jawed bewilderment as they would put 2 and 2 together to get 5. But it all makes sense. In a way.
So here's the deal. Things aren't as they seem and we go through life half blind with the blinker on, pawns of the shadowy forces that pull the strings behind the scenes. I'm talking demons and demi-gods, Masons and Bildebergs, One-Worlders and UFO's, earthquakes and diseases. Hell, even Springsteen's in on it. Everything means something, part of an elaborate plot and only through Scripture can you sort out the meanings of everyday occurences. We must be getting close to the End Times and I think that's what brought them back to the airwaves. "A tall black man will arise in the West..." - that's not a porno, that's a prophesy.

So, if you're off your meds, check out the podcast and find out who's a puppet and who's a playa. Get the lowdown for the coming showdown.

Friday, February 13, 2009

What's In Your Wallet, You Poor Dumb Bastard?

Not a Capital One card. I got this notice today:

Due to extraordinary changes in the economic environment, we're reviewing our existing credit card accounts. Having considered these economic conditions, you account's current Purchase rate, and the length of time you've had this rate and account, we will be increasing your Purchase rate. We're also raising your Cash Advance and Default rates.
Allow me to translate:

Due to our retarded business decisions that have led to the current economic environment in which we are losing our ass, we are going to jack your rate 6%. Not only because we can but we also couldn't help but notice that you have paid your credit card bills on time for the past ten years and you have also paid off a substantial car and signature loan to our bank. So we know you're good for it and we're only asking you to pay a little extra to cover the shortfall when we felt it necessary to loan money to people who could never pay it back. After all, we're all in this together, right? You don't mind, do you?

Hell no. I don't mind. Thank you and fuck you very much, Capital One.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Leave Michael Alone!

Good morning, Mr. Phelps. This doobie will self-destruct moments after you finish toking on it. File this one under "Who the Fuck Cares?". So Mr. Flipper-fingers likes to get high. So what? There aren't a whole lot of subjects that I consider myself an expert on, but take it from me, having had some acquaintance with the substance in question, marijuana is not a performance enhancing drug. I repeat "Marijuana is not a performance enhancing drug!". You will not swim faster when you are stoned. You will more than likely finish last. You will, however, enjoy it more.

Kellogg's gets their panties in a bunch and drops Phelps as a product spokesman. Mercy! You'd think they would want to go after the stoner crowd. Because being high is the only way I could stomach those soggy shit flakes they call Wheaties. And that goes double for Corn Flakes.