Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Thanks a Lot, Arlen

Now I got no Republicans to vote for, except for the local yokels who help me with my auto stuff. Specter's defection to the Democrats is no surprise to Jim "Pol Pot" Taylor, chairman of the local Republican Party. Taylor is quoted as saying that he never "liked" Specter, anyway and that it was time to purge the party of all its RINOS. Well, I got news for him. They've done gone. Whitman, Hatfield, Chafee, Shwartzenegger, Rockefeller... Eisenhower would be out and I doubt if Nixon would make the cut. No room for Libertarians or fiscally conservative moderates, I suppose. Few are worthy. Taylor says it is time to get back to those core Republican principles. I wonder what they could be? Something like this?

Too bad. I was kind of attached to the two party system.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Happy F#@king Easter

Worst Easter ever. A little background: I've never been very ambitious and have always tended towards procrastination. In fact, if it didn't come easy it didn't come at all. Couple that inherent laziness with an early desire to turn on, tune in and drop out and you have a guy who has relegated himself to the lower ends of the socio-economic spectrum. But I always tested well. Well enough that I tested exactly the same on my SAT's as my BFF who's a respected, rich and successful professional type doctor. So while I was running a cultivator, or flipping burgers, or dismantling cars, or delivering the mail, or stacking books, or driving a truck, or duckwalking around a mixer with a pressure washer, or cutting firewood, or sitting in my cubicle, I always held close to my heart the knowledge that I had the highest SAT's in my immediate family and even though they all got degrees and shit, I could have been a contender. But it is not for this old man to wander into the twilight of his life holding tight to this illusion. My brother couldn't wait to tell me about his precious daughter's SAT's. 50 points higher than mine, combined. Of course, she's only a junior. She hopes to do better next year. Of course.

It gets worse. No holiday meal is complete without my sister-in-law calling me an idiot. After being force fed more organic food than a bunch of pate bound Whole Foods geese, we were all sitting around the table (I don't know about the rest of them but I'm still waiting for Jesus to show) and I was disrespected in the following manner:

Niece: "My religious teacher is a Flemish Lesbian"
Me: "Maybe it's allergies, she ought to take some Claritin D for that."
Sister-in-Law: "You are an idiot!"

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Kiss is Just a Kiss...

Pat Buchanan has his panties in a bunch over Obama's lack of response to Chavez's 55 minute tirade where he called America a fat ugly ho. I guess the problem lies with the handshake and book acceptance after the speech. Now I like Pat and I suspect he's somewhat of a real tough guy but he's thrown his lot in with a conservative movement that's full of pretend tough guys. Obama's the real deal. Only three months in and he's already shot three guys in the head. At this rate he'll have 48 notches in his belt by the end of his term. I would have figured that would have gotten Pat on board. What'd he expect the Big O to do? Slap Chavez upside the head? Throw a hissy fit and walk out? Look at the body language in this meet. It's obvious who the big dog in the room is and who's just yapping around his heels. There's no bigger diss than throwing a tirade and being ignored.

Get a grip, Pat. America's not your mom. We got all the guns and money. Chavez has a few barrels of oil and some nice blankets. Who cares about his sorry ass, anyway?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Yarrrr! Republicans Set Sail in a New Direction

Republican spokesblimp Rush Limbaugh has unveiled a new pro-pirate plank in the Republican platform. Hoping to gain political traction with the hook-handed, peg-legged, puffy shirted portion of the electorate, Limabaugh decried President Obama's execution of three Somali pirates as another socialistic attempt to stifle sea borne entrepeneurship. Limbaugh went on to say, "These private free marketeers were brutally executed while trying to show a little initiative and make a living in the grandest traditions of our free enterprise system."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I Don't Get It

What's so funny about tea bagging? My grandma used to teabag all the time. Sometimes my mom would, too. I can remember us all sitting around the kitchen table in Scranton dipping and dunking away. Tea bagging our hearts out.
At least Joe Scarborough takes his tea bagging seriously. This morning he got on his fellow talk show hosts for mocking the thousands of Americans who opened their mouths in protest and joined their fellows in tea bag parties in cities all across this great land. Middle school juvenile humor, he said, and unfitting for serious news commentators. I'm not exactly sure what he's talking about. Joe's a lot smarter than me so maybe he sees something I'm missing. I'll be the first to admit that a lot of this tea bagging stuff goes right over my head. Maybe he was talking about Dave Shuster who said if you're having a lot of tea bag parties you need a Dick Armey. What's wrong with that? You probably could use a Dick Cheney, too. If fact, I would think you would want all the Dicks (not to mention Toms and Harrys) that you could muster. Rachael Maddow said she didn't invent the whole concept. It's nice of her not to want to take credit but somebody needs to find the guy who came up with the idea and shake his hand. Maybe there's a patent on file. Anyway, I'm with Joe. I'm proud to be a tea bagger and this whole mockery thing rubs me the wrong way.

Our own tea bag party here in the valley didn't turn out too good. It rained pretty hard and the only people who showed were me, six guys from my gun club and the bag lady with her shopping cart. We all wore our side arms proudly (except the bag lady) in support of our God Given 2nd Amendment Rights and to scare off any hippies who would try to crash our tea bag party with their Celestial Seasonings bullshit. It rained so hard my oversize cardboard Obama Kenyan birth certificate fell apart and the bags I had stapled to my hat swelled up and started dripping tea down my face. We all brought our own bags but we only had one umbrella and after an hour or so our bags were getting so soggy that we huddled together in a circle hoping that we could at least save a couple so we could throw them on the courthouse steps. It was not to be and every bag sogged up and fell to the ground. We just left them. I think the bag lady got them.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Maggie Fights Rear Guard Action Against Gay Stuff

If your organization has "marriage" or "family" in its name (like Focus On the Family, Family Research Council, NOM) you are a douchebag and your entire organization is composed of douchebags. How do I know? The evidence speaks for itself.

Gallagher (not the one with the watermelon but, even worse, Maggie, president of NOM) has written an incoherent op-ed for the National Review Online. Apparently Rick Warren is rethinking the whole homophobic idea because the gays got to him. They got their ways. They probably did some gay stuff to him like they did to Ted.

It's worse than we thought. Not only do we have entire gay countries like Canada and Spain (look what's happened to those countries), we have entire gay legislatures as well as gay activist judges. Hence the need for the above retarded commercial. Notice how the actors are isolated in space. You can't be too careful these days and you don't want to get any gay juice on you. And you definitely don't want any gays sneaking up on you and doing gay stuff to you. Notice also how the actors are surrounded by enormous storm clouds of HIV-positive jiz (I know it's HIV-positive because the lightning strikes are going to HIV-negative ground). Notice how these poor people have suffered the worst sort of persecution - persecution against them being able to persecute other people. The last lady is upset that her kid may be told in public school that gay marriage is OK. Well lady, even if your kid escapes your smotherhood without turning gay, he's bound to find out that is some places gay marriage is legal. This is persecution?

You know what I notice? I notice that these are the same arguments I heard against desegregation in the 60's. Crying that your precious rights to "free-association" are being trampled rings hollow. Giving basic human rights to an oppressed minority is a moral thing to do. So, Maggie Gallagher, go fuck yourself (if you're able), and fuck that douchebag organization you rode in on.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Newt's Old Ideas for a Dying Planet

Part of that is true. The ideas are old but the planet won't die. A bunch of us might, but the planet won't. So the prince of well written dumb ideas has put forth what purports to be some sort of energy policy in the latest Newsweek. This is the same guy that said we needed to use lasers that we don't have to shoot down the North Korean missle launch. As you can imagine, his solutions consist of using a band aid of existing and non-existent technologies to cover a sucking chest wound. More of the same isn't going to cut it. Anwar won't help for long, offshore drilling won't amount to much, there's not enough water to process the oil shale and only a dumb ass who has never lived in a coal mining area would suggest "clean" coal technology. I don't care how clean you can burn it, you still got to get it out of the ground and there goes the neighborhood. That leaves us with the same distribution network and the same dependence on those Saudi fuckers who set up the networks that financed those motherfuckers who flew those motherfucking planes into the Towers. What I am trying to say is that it is a matter of national security. I don't want to see Obama wandering around the Rose Garden holding hands with some Saudi prince like Bush did.
I agree with Newt (and here's where I differ with my tree hugging buddies) that we have to start building more nuclear power plants. Sorry Harry, but Obama needs to break one campaign promise and open Yucca mountain. Transporting the nuclear waste is a concern but with 50 years experience hauling nuclear weapons around the country we ought to be able to handle that. Continuing to store it onsite is a bad idea. Upgrade the transmission facilities, toss in a little solar and wind for a sweetener and we're good to go for awhile.
Now the same guys that voted against extending unemployment benefits and were manning the helm while our 401's were deep sixed, are crying crocodile tears about the impact a carbon tax will have on the poor people. We survived $4 a gallon gas. I don't mind paying a little more if it means we won't have to march off to the Middle East every ten years or so. Keep saying to yourself that we're a center-right country, Newt. That's why we elected a liberal democrat for President.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

The World's Worst Catholic and the Resurrection

Hate to spring this on you so close to Easter but it didn't happen. Here's how I know:
Back when I was a lad, when dashboards were metal and Christopher was still a saint, my dad had a plastic magnetic Jesus just like the one in the picture. Well, almost just like it. Our Jesus was missing his right hand but it did't seem to bother my dad. I can't remember a time when Lefty J didn't occupy center stage on the dash, right underneath the St. Christopher medal that hung from the rear view mirror. We had all the available safety equipment for an American car of that era.
One Good Friday, when I was about six years old, I snagged the Jesus from the dashboard and buried him at the bottom of the sandbox in my back yard. I knew the story and I fully expected that in three days Jesus would be out of the sand and ready for action. Easter morning I got up, ran outside and....there he wasn't. I dug down in the sand and ... there he was...right where I left him at the bottom of the sandbox. Expecting a miracle, I ended up with a head scratcher. Now you would think that if the Lord could reanimate a dead guy after three days just to make a point he could have sent some frost heaves or a minor earthquake my way and popped my Jesus out of the sand. It would have gone a long way to stymie my emergent agnosticism. If this bums you out, I'm sorry, but think of how that poor little boy felt when his Jesus stayed buried in the sand.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Tips on Sin from the World's Worst Catholic

I know from sin. On my journey from I love Jesus to bad thoughts, bad thoughts, bad thoughts to hey, wait a second to that can't possibly be right I learned a few things about good, evil and how to tell the difference between the two. Now Catholicism is probably not the best religion for an obsessive-compulsive guy like me. I didn't have a lot of down time between the hand washing and the obsessing about bad thoughts. Very uncomfortable. If it wasn't germs, it was sin or some combination of the two. Since I didn't have the equipment or the opportunity to do any real sinning I had to settle for struggling with internal blasphemies which was as close as I could come to mortal sinning. Timing was crucial since I didn't want to carry around a mortal sin the entire week. If I died before Saturday Confession, it was straight to hell. There was some talk about if you were really sorry and a Confessional wasn't available and you happened to die you would be forgiven. But that sounded kind of Protestanty. Lucky bastards.

If I recall correctly, your soul looks like like a hot water bottle. It starts out pure and white, becomes spotted like a Holstein when you unavoidably commit the venial (not too bad) sins during the week, and turns jet black when you commit a mortal (or bad) sin (all it takes is one). If you die with a jet black water bottle you go straight to hell. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Think of the worst pain you ever felt, imagine it was a hundred times worse, imagine it went on forever and ever. That's hell. You don't want that. No Sister, we don't. If you die with a spotted water bottle you go to Purgatory. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Think of the worst pain you ever felt, now multiply it by ten times, imagine you eventually get out when you have suffered enough to pay for your sins. You don't really want that either. No Sister, we don't. If you die with a white water bottle you go straight to heaven. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Imagine being in a beautiful hall with all the angels and Saints, all worshipping God all day long forever and ever. I didn't tell her but I didn't want that, either. Limbo, where the unbaptized babies and ethical pagans go, sounded good to me. Floating throughout all eternity in a state of total contentment without having to bother with all the singing and worshipping. Limbo has since been removed from church doctrine. I don't know if it was never there or just closed for business. I refuse to accept that.

Limbo update:

"the theory of limbo, understood as a state which includes the souls of infants who die subject to original sin and without baptism, and who, therefore, neither merit the beatific vision, nor yet are subjected to any punishment, because they are not guilty of any personal sin. This theory, elaborated by theologians beginning in the Middle Ages, never entered into the dogmatic definitions of the Magisterium, even if that same Magisterium did at times mention the theory in its ordinary teaching up until the Second Vatican Council. It remains therefore a possible theological hypothesis"

So I was wrong (again) but whatever the Church's position ends up being, I'm pretty sure I no longer qualify for Limbo entry. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

British Enraged - Obama Disses Queen

Britons rioted in the streets London today after a perceived snub of Queen Elizabeth II by American president Barack Obama. The Queen presented the president with a set of cuff links studded with rubies taken from the Crown Jewels. In return, the President presented the Queen with an IPod loaded with Notorious B.I.G.'s greatest hits. "For God's sakes, it was a $47 shuffle!" explained a spokesman for the Queen.

The Queen got a small measure of revenge during a half court pick-up basketball game between the Her Majesty, Prince Phillip and the Obamas after the state dinner. Obama tried to dunk on her and she slapped away the ball snarling, "Don't bring your weak shit here. This is my palace, bitch"

The President increased tensions between the United States and BFF Great Britain with his parting comment:

"It was a wonderful visit," Obama shouted to reporters as he and his wife left the palace. "Her majesty is delightful - for a dwarf."