Thursday, April 02, 2009

Tips on Sin from the World's Worst Catholic

I know from sin. On my journey from I love Jesus to bad thoughts, bad thoughts, bad thoughts to hey, wait a second to that can't possibly be right I learned a few things about good, evil and how to tell the difference between the two. Now Catholicism is probably not the best religion for an obsessive-compulsive guy like me. I didn't have a lot of down time between the hand washing and the obsessing about bad thoughts. Very uncomfortable. If it wasn't germs, it was sin or some combination of the two. Since I didn't have the equipment or the opportunity to do any real sinning I had to settle for struggling with internal blasphemies which was as close as I could come to mortal sinning. Timing was crucial since I didn't want to carry around a mortal sin the entire week. If I died before Saturday Confession, it was straight to hell. There was some talk about if you were really sorry and a Confessional wasn't available and you happened to die you would be forgiven. But that sounded kind of Protestanty. Lucky bastards.

If I recall correctly, your soul looks like like a hot water bottle. It starts out pure and white, becomes spotted like a Holstein when you unavoidably commit the venial (not too bad) sins during the week, and turns jet black when you commit a mortal (or bad) sin (all it takes is one). If you die with a jet black water bottle you go straight to hell. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Think of the worst pain you ever felt, imagine it was a hundred times worse, imagine it went on forever and ever. That's hell. You don't want that. No Sister, we don't. If you die with a spotted water bottle you go to Purgatory. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Think of the worst pain you ever felt, now multiply it by ten times, imagine you eventually get out when you have suffered enough to pay for your sins. You don't really want that either. No Sister, we don't. If you die with a white water bottle you go straight to heaven. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Imagine being in a beautiful hall with all the angels and Saints, all worshipping God all day long forever and ever. I didn't tell her but I didn't want that, either. Limbo, where the unbaptized babies and ethical pagans go, sounded good to me. Floating throughout all eternity in a state of total contentment without having to bother with all the singing and worshipping. Limbo has since been removed from church doctrine. I don't know if it was never there or just closed for business. I refuse to accept that.

Limbo update:

"the theory of limbo, understood as a state which includes the souls of infants who die subject to original sin and without baptism, and who, therefore, neither merit the beatific vision, nor yet are subjected to any punishment, because they are not guilty of any personal sin. This theory, elaborated by theologians beginning in the Middle Ages, never entered into the dogmatic definitions of the Magisterium, even if that same Magisterium did at times mention the theory in its ordinary teaching up until the Second Vatican Council. It remains therefore a possible theological hypothesis"

So I was wrong (again) but whatever the Church's position ends up being, I'm pretty sure I no longer qualify for Limbo entry. Thanks Mom and Dad.


  1. Anonymous9:17 PM


    Isn't limbo where you try to dance under a
    stick to Peanuts Taylor records?

  2. Anonymous6:09 AM

    According to standard pre-Vatican II theology a pagan adult excused on the grounds of ignorance may be saved if he possesses perfect contrition accompanied by implicit baptism of desire, and does not go to Limbo because he in fact has a chance of heaven. People went to the Limbo of the Fathers before Christ died but after the ascension everyone in the Limbo of the Fathers went up to heaven. At present the Limbo of the Children (where unbaptised babies go) still exists but the Limbo of the Fathers does not.


  3. Anonymous6:17 AM

    Another comment:

    Re: the happiness of heaven. St. Robert Bellarmine answers the objection that praising God in heaven would be very burdensome by saying IIRC that the praise of God in heaven is an expression of the joy of the blessed.