The World's Worst Catholic Explains Blood Sacrifice

If the above graphic totally creeps you out - you are an atheist, agnostic or possibly a Jew and you are headed for eternal damnation. If the above graphic moderately creeps you out and you view it as a symbolic representation of the sacrifice Christ made to save us all - you are some sort of Protestant and you also are going to take a nice long dip in the lake of fire. If the above graphic makes you wince a little and you feel that it is an accurate (but too graphic for the kiddies) representation of Christ's blood sacrifice - you are some sort of Cafeteria Catholic and you better take a doggie bag and book your room by the century at the Motel 6th Level in Purgatory because it's going to take a while to burn the heresy out of you. If the above graphic seems like some sort of cartoon fit for Nickelodeon and you are disappointed the image lacks accurate blood splatter patterns and photo-realistic depictions of crucifixion wounds - you are true OG RC so grab your best hair shirt and strap on your cilice and join me as Sister Mary Joseph breaks it down old school for the rest of these clowns:

During the mass the bread and wine are transformed into the body and blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Real blood and real flesh?
Yes.
It doesn't look any different.
It is.
It doesn't taste like blood.
It's a miracle. You have to have faith.
But...
Now, be quiet.
Yes, Sister.

Tips on Sin from the World's Worst Catholic

I know from sin. On my journey from I love Jesus to bad thoughts, bad thoughts, bad thoughts to hey, wait a second to that can't possibly be right I learned a few things about good, evil and how to tell the difference between the two. Now Catholicism is probably not the best religion for an obsessive-compulsive guy like me. I didn't have a lot of down time between the hand washing and the obsessing about bad thoughts. Very uncomfortable. If it wasn't germs, it was sin or some combination of the two. Since I didn't have the equipment or the opportunity to do any real sinning I had to settle for struggling with internal blasphemies which was as close as I could come to mortal sinning. Timing was crucial since I didn't want to carry around a mortal sin the entire week. If I died before Saturday Confession, it was straight to hell. There was some talk about if you were really sorry and a Confessional wasn't available and you happened to die you would be forgiven. But that sounded kind of Protestanty. Lucky bastards.


If I recall correctly, your soul looks like like a hot water bottle. It starts out pure and white, becomes spotted like a Holstein when you unavoidably commit the venial (not too bad) sins during the week, and turns jet black when you commit a mortal (or bad) sin (all it takes is one). If you die with a jet black water bottle you go straight to hell. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Think of the worst pain you ever felt, imagine it was a hundred times worse, imagine it went on forever and ever. That's hell. You don't want that. No Sister, we don't. If you die with a spotted water bottle you go to Purgatory. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Think of the worst pain you ever felt, now multiply it by ten times, imagine you eventually get out when you have suffered enough to pay for your sins. You don't really want that either. No Sister, we don't. If you die with a white water bottle you go straight to heaven. Sister Mary Joseph explained it like this: Imagine being in a beautiful hall with all the angels and Saints, all worshipping God all day long forever and ever. I didn't tell her but I didn't want that, either. Limbo, where the unbaptized babies and ethical pagans go, sounded good to me. Floating throughout all eternity in a state of total contentment without having to bother with all the singing and worshipping. Limbo has since been removed from church doctrine. I don't know if it was never there or just closed for business. I refuse to accept that.

Limbo update:

"the theory of limbo, understood as a state which includes the souls of infants who die subject to original sin and without baptism, and who, therefore, neither merit the beatific vision, nor yet are subjected to any punishment, because they are not guilty of any personal sin. This theory, elaborated by theologians beginning in the Middle Ages, never entered into the dogmatic definitions of the Magisterium, even if that same Magisterium did at times mention the theory in its ordinary teaching up until the Second Vatican Council. It remains therefore a possible theological hypothesis"

So I was wrong (again) but whatever the Church's position ends up being, I'm pretty sure I no longer qualify for Limbo entry. Thanks Mom and Dad.