Sunday, August 18, 2013

Olympus is Stupid

If you were expecting Cloud Atlas,  Tree of Life or any other worthwhile snoozers newly released on DVD you done come to the wrong place. Boys and Girls, today's film is Olympus Has Fallen, rated R (for Retarded). You know that when this treacly piece of faux patriotism gets an R rating without so much as a side boob and the highly anticipated World War Z gets a PG that there must some great disturbance in the force.

The Plot:

Our Hero Secret Service agent Gerard Butler punches the President in the nose (in a manly boxing sporting kind of way) but fails to save the first lady from a wildly improbable auto accident and so gets reassigned to Treasury where he sits at a desk looking all depressed.

The South Korean president comes to visit, a vintage WWII prop cargo plane invades DC airspace, shoots down a couple of jets and takes out the Washington Monument (cool graphics but we're boarding the short bus now), suicide bombers blow a hole in the white house fence and a strike team of suicidal terrorists aided by a couple of heavily armed garbage trucks take over the white house and slaughter about 16000 Secret Service agents. The President flees to the underground bunker with the South Korean President and his security team who are (surprise!) composed of North Korean infiltrators (even the hot chick and the evil looking long haired Asian guy). The Evil Genius tortures the Prez and his staff for the codes to the MCGuffin Machine which will (oh noes!) destroy Merica. Gerard, who survives the initial assault, does a bunch of increasingly tedious Die Hard bullshit and Ta Da! saves the day.

What was stupid:

1. They scramble One (count em) one jet from Andrews to take out the rougue plane after it shoots down a couple of jets.
2. Gerard can outrun bullets (and punch the President)
3. All the guys on the Bad Guys Team are fanatically suicidal but if you stab them with a letter opener they will give up the whole plan
4. The President decides to take the South Koreans with him to the command bunker.
5.Gerard can outrun more bullets
6.When he is taken hostage the President orders the Joint chiefs not to negotiate with the terrorists and the first thing acting President Morgan Freeman does is negotiate with the terrorists
7. Gerard can outrun still more bullets
8. The McGuffin - code named Cerberus. A machine designed to take out a mistakenly launched ICBM. To activate the machine the President, Secretary of State and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs all have to enter a separate code that they have committed to memory before the missile reaches its target. What's that give them - 30 minutes? "Can it wait? I'm in the tub. OK, lemme see. I think it starts with a J." Now you would think the purpose of Cerberus would be to destroy the missile without setting off the nuclear warhead. Well no, we didn't buy that option. Sequester, you know. Otherwise we couldn't have the two seconds to doomsday hero -saves- the- day- stupid -shit -ending.
9. Ending? I think not. We all get medals. Like the ending of Star Wars without robots. America! Fuck Yeah!

What wasn't stupid:

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