Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Look, I Wasn't Even There

One's a slimy scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one's an amphibian

Oh, David, David, David. You poor simple boy. I already explained that I was hired by Fannie Mae as an historian, not a lobbyist. I know 1.6 million dollars may seem like a lot of money for a monograph titled Small Farm Forclosure Rates in the Oklahoma Territories During the Grant Administration but, to be fair, I did spend three years on it. And the request came in an unmarked envelope stuffed with 100 dollar bills so I never really knew until recently exactly who had hired me.

 I am outraged that you would lead off a presidential debate by telling everyone what a scumbag I am. I'll have you know these scurrilous attacks are nothing more than the liberally biased media's attack on the one Republican who can bring down that Socialist nig...thug occupying the White House. These charges are patently untrue and as for the ones that aren't I've sought forgiveness from my Lord and Savior and I am a totally different person from that other person who didn't really do those things anyway. Ask my wife for permission to fuck around on her? That would be wrong.
Pretty sad when Rachael Maddow's the only one in the press core with a sack.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Back of the Class

News Flash - we already done lost that war. At least those of us in the Special Ed economic class. Which is, oh, about 95% per cent of us. The advanced placement kids have all the luck. Most of them have cars that their Daddy's bought. Of course at least half of us deserve it, being too stupid to vote in our own self interest. Easily swayed by the politics of fear; some Mexican is going to take my shitty job, Muslims are coming, strange ones with funny hats, the Dems are going to take that little bowl of trickle down I got and give it to some Food Stamper. Politics of envy. Bullshit. How about politics of anger instead? Historically low tax rates for the wealthiest among us while Tea Partiers on Social Security and pimpled Libertarians living in Mom's basement continue to vote in a Congress whose only goal is to shred the social safety net and do away with it altogether. We aren't all going to be able to crowd into that 1%, no matter what we do or how hard we try.

That's the Republican playbook - get you so scared that you are going to lose what you already have, say Social Security and Medicare, that you will vote for people who plan to take it away anyway.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Worse Jobs Than Mine

Had a bad week. The free (kinda) market system has been cruel to me. One second place after another (and no, second doesn't pay in my line of work). So when I'm feeling like a big fat loser I like to think about how some people have it worse.

Headlice picker

Iranian Nuclear scientist

Mitt Romney's dog.

Michael Jackson's doctor

Suicide bomber

Newt Gingrich's wife

My wife

Head of the SDS chapter at Liberty University

Chicken sexer

Paleontologist at the Creation Museum

Speech therapist at Gallaudet

Human Resources director at Bain Capital

Foot reflexologist at the Home for Crippled Children

David Barton's research assistant

Bob Barker's veterinarian

Caterer for the PETA annual banquet

Uday Hussein’s body double

Rick Perry’s debate coach

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Royal Bain in the Ass

Campaign tip for the Mitster - spend some of that 200 million you got stashed on braces for those kids of yours. It looked like you were surrounded by a family of beavers. On to the speech (translated for your edification):

Today, we are faced with the disappointing record of a failed President. The last three years have held a lot of change, but they haven’t offered much hope.
Forget the 8 years before that.

And this President wakes up every morning, looks out across America and is proud to announce, “It could be worse.”
It could be worse? Is that what it means to be an American? It could be worse?
Elect me and you'll understand

 President Obama wants to put free enterprise on trial. In the last few days, we have seen some desperate Republicans join forces with him. This is such a mistake for our Party and for our nation. This country already has a leader who divides us with the bitter politics of envy. We must offer an alternative vision. I stand ready to lead us down a different path, where we are lifted up by our desire to succeed, not dragged down by a resentment of success. In these difficult times, we cannot abandon the core values that define us as unique -- We are One Nation, Under God.
Don't hate me because I had a rich daddy. You wish you had one too. Oh, and Yay Jesus

Make no mistake, in this campaign, I will offer the American ideals of economic freedom a clear and unapologetic defense.
Fire at will

President Obama wants to “fundamentally transform” America. We want to restore America to the founding principles that made this country great.
Kiss your Social Security and Medicare goodbye

He wants to turn America into a European-style entitlement society. We want to ensure that we remain a free and prosperous land of opportunity.
 Kiss your Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid goodbye

This President takes his inspiration from the capitals of Europe; we look to the cities and small towns of America.
Kiss your Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and unemployment benefits goodbye. If I don't need them you don't either.

Internationally, President Obama has adopted an appeasement strategy. He believes America’s role as leader in the world is a thing of the past. I believe a strong America must – and will – lead the future.
He apologized to Bin Laden before he had him shot in the face

 He doesn’t see the need for overwhelming American military superiority. I will insist on a military so powerful no one would think of challenging it.
Those Viet Cong are gone, aren't they?

He chastises friends like Israel; I’ll stand with our friends.
The rich ones, anyway

He apologizes for America; I will never apologize for the greatest nation in the history of the Earth.
Nor will I apologize for being such a dick


Thursday, January 05, 2012

God Hates Indians

There, I said it. Otherwise why would he kill them all off so we Americans could have a country where we can live free and bring our slaves with us? Now God wants Rick Santorum to be President. A few months ago it was Michelle Bachmann but she was too rabid-rat crazy even for God. Then Herman Caine until God tried the pizza. Then Rick Perry who threw a nice party for God and was tall, Texan and nicely coiffed. Just like God likes 'em. But God forgot to hook up the mouth/brain circuit on Texas Rick so he moved on to Newt, who pissed off God by claiming to be the smartest being in the universe. Now Rick Santorum is God's rep on earth, brought forth to make sure that women are free not to have abortions and gays are free not get married. God's all about the freedom. Rick will be the guy until God figures out how to work the Google. God can't seem to make up his mind. By process of elimination (which has been God's modus operandi for all time - if I weren't a religious person I would almost think that God doesn't care and just lets shit happen) it looks like God will settle for the Mormon guy. At least until he finds out about the whole ruling your own planet and becoming a god thing. That won't go over too well so the Muslim socialist wins again.