Friday, July 23, 2010

Baaaad Boys

So we're trapped between the incessant anality of accounting (we hate to see them coming) and the skewed nerdosity of D & E (Palin's not the only Shakespeare around here). Our office conversations revolve (or devolve) around four basic topics:
  1. Sports
  2. Boobs
  3. Calling everyone who wears a new shirt, or one that isn't stained or smelly, gay
  4. Sheep fucking
Scripto, you say, since you live in a dairy producing region why is sheep fucking such a hot topic? I'm not sure. I guess it's just the way we those guys roll. Maybe being around cows all the time makes sheep seem kind of exotic and sexy. I read in the paper about a guy who went to jail making love to a turkey. But that was a couple counties east. There are some sick fuckers out there.  Personally, I find the whole concept not only illegal but mildly disturbing. Tradition demands that we call all employees that make the trip to work over the mountain from the next county over "sheepfuckers". This is, of course, an exaggeration. They are not all sheepfuckers. Some of them have sisters.

So one of these guys from over the mountain made the mistake of talking about a sheep one day. I'm sure the whole thing was perfectly innocent but when he was asked whether the sheep was a boy or a girl he answered-
"I'm not sure. I didn't look at its face."
It's going to take a while to live that one down.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dumbest Thing I Ever Saw

  From the 'Hey Let's See If Some Idiot Will Buy This' Dept at Columbia Sportswear

Comes with antler headband and clip on tail. I don't know about you but I think a guy would look a little peculiar wandering around the woods in that outfit. You'd either get laughed to death by your fellow hunters, shagged to death by a nearsighted Grizzly or shot. Or all three. Maybe it's a furries thing.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Bout Effing Time

We now hold that the FCC’s policy violates the First Amendment because it is unconstitutionally vague, creating a chilling effect that goes far beyond the fleeting expletives at issue here.

I led a very sheltered life in the sixties. My parents never swore, nor did my aunts, uncles or grandparents (although on occasion my Lithuanian grandma would mutter something under her breath that may or may not have been inappropriate). Sure the folks drank and smoked and fought a lot but who didn't? Haven't you ever seen Madmen? Occasionally a "hell" or "damn" and rarely a "shit" but never a "fuck" or (my personal favorite) a "shitfuckers". I remember being totally shocked when I saw my father give someone the finger and yelling "yeah, right here!"  when he was driving me to school. At the time I didn't even know what it meant but I was shocked, shocked, I tell ya and I knew it was something bad because when I asked him about it he told me to shut up. A defining moment in my life or, for some reason, one I remember. I lost my innocence right there. In the suburbs of Philly the unpleasantness was 20 miles away, Vietnam was some pictures in Life magazine or (I shit you not- I think I don't, anyway - you know how memory is) an episode on American Sportsman or Wide World of Sports about hunting Viet Cong and the hippies with their reefers and LS and D were off in San Francisco.
        But I've grown up a little. I like some "hells", "damns", "bastards", and "bitches" in my cop shows. Although "God damns" and "Jesus Christs" are curiously absent and I wouldn't mind a little blasphemy now and again to make it more realistic. And on cable it seems idiotic to bleep out John Stewart when you know exactly what he's saying and substituting "frak" for the F word in the late lamented Battlestar Gallactica. C'mon, almost the entire human race has been destroyed by robots and the rest are fleeing for their lives. If that doesn't deserve a "we are fucked" nothing does.
       But there have to be some standards or chaos will reign. I'd be a different (and probably not a better) person if I grew up watching Howdy Fucking Doody or if Mr. Rogers looked out at me and said, "Won't you be my neighbor, you little fucker." Adult and children's programing should be held to different standards. I don't want to have to explain what a blow job is when my grandkids and I are watching Hannah Montanah. And I don't  want to hear Caillou's dad say when Caillou comes in the bedroom after having a bad dream, "Get the fuck out of here, you bald headed freak, I'm trying to do your mom." And what if, because of the ADA, they have to keep Nina (Melanie was fired because she appeared in two spoof PSA's  - too bad - I liked her and PBS can suck it) on the Good Night Show even after it is discovered that she has developed Tourettes?

Hurray! (cock!)
We had another (fuck! suck! cock!) fantastic day
And (shit fuck cock motherfucker) now it's time to say-
Good (bitch! shit! cock!)
Gooooood Niiiiiiight! (fuck! shit! pussy! cock!)
That would be bad.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

More On Birth Control from The World's Worst Catholic™

                                   Damn Humanae Vitae
"I don't want to overstate or understate our level of concern," said McQuade, the Catholic bishops' spokesperson. "We consider [birth control] an elective drug. Married women can practice periodic abstinence. Other women can abstain altogether. Not having sex doesn't make you sick."

Well, it makes me sick. Moping around depressed all day can't be healthy. And the begging is bad for my self esteem. The Catholic Bishops are living proof that lack of a healthy caring sex life leads to all sorts of unhealthy perversions - like man on altar boy sex and sticking your beak in the secular American political process to control everyone's access to birth control.

"I don't want to overstate or understate our level of concern" - how meaninglessly thoughtful                                                                                             

"We consider [birth control] an elective drug." - taking birth control drugs is still elective - insurance companies would be required to subsidize the cost as part of the benefit package. If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

"Married women can practice periodic abstinence" - abstinence during their periods ? - but that's when they are least likely to get pregnant. If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

"Other women can abstain altogether."  - yeah, that works. If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

In the search for a leaner, meaner church the Magesterium has brought out this hoary old birth control chestnut once again. It didn't work in the 60's for American Catholics and it will only work now for those too intellectually challenged to see the fundamental disconnect. If you consider abortion a moral evil you need to be pro birth control. Abortion is not an easy choice and I think those of us that can't get pregnant shouldn't have a choice in the matter. My position is that, until the fetus can live outside the womb on its own, the decision to carry to term is up to the woman. Anyway you look at it, as a method of birth control, abortion is expensive and should be a last resort. No matter how they try to pretty it up theologically, the Church's position is fundamentally stupid - I'll say it again- If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

And the Conference of Catholic Bishops can go fuck themselves with a pointy hat. We're not going to listen to them anyway.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

There is a War on Christmas

Either this is an assault on Christmas or there is a problem with the translator at Santa's Workshop™ - Shanghai Division.  Either way I'm glad I got the small Satan, although the whole Antimatter thing has me a little concerned about plugging it in. Maybe the neighbors won't notice.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Heard at Work

I couldn't find a family friendly image implying dicks going in and out without actual dicks going in and out

From a former employee corrected for viewing inappropriate material.

"It's not porn if there's no dicks going in and out of it."

Which would be a far more accurate definition of obscenity than I know it when I see it and  violation of contemporary community standards.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Feel the Love

 Dr Pipi. I do not like or love you. But I do like and love brenda. Can we go buy some more fish Plese. Why? Because I want to buy some fish that are the ones that I like. OK. ok Jasmine
can we go to wall maret to get them.
Makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it? The why after the first sentence or two appears in all her notes, a technique I think she learned in first grade journal class. It is usually followed by because it is fun or because I like to. Why? Because it counts as a sentence, I guess and you gots to have at least 3.