Friday, July 31, 2009

The Govmint Won't Pay for Grampa's Sex Change

But it will pay for Granny's abortion. It ain't fair. Why should Grandpa have to live a lie? Speaking of lies. If your organization has "Family" in its name you're hanging with a bunch of douchebags. If it also contains the words "Research" and "Council" you're hanging with a bunch of lying douchebags.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Obama Hates White Culture

I don't know what it is either, Glenn. In fact, I'm not sure what you are. I didn't even know we had a culture but if it includes stuff like Happy Days, Lawrence Welk and Broadway musicals then I'm with the President.
I hate it, too. So take the poll. Let me know we got something more than square dancing and jug band music. Help me to be proud again.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Health Care Smealth Care

I don't know what kind of sausage they're grinding over in the Halls of Congress but at the end of the day, if it doesn't involve a single payer system or at least a public option, we're going to end up with the same bullshit health care system we have now. Well, maybe a little better, but the fundamentals remain the same. It's not about cost or rationing or choice of doctors or portability or black helicopters whisking the old folks off to the Soylent Green Hospice. It's the same principle that raises my life insurance rates from $260 a year to $2,600 when I turn 60. The government gets to take care of the old and sick and the young born sick and private insurance gets everyone else. Of course everyone else is where the money is made. If the government is involved at all it should be running the show. Unless all age groups are in the same pool the goverment run programs will end up continually in the red. Anything else is just more crap. Congress could start with Medicare for kids. That would even the playing field.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Looosieeeee- I'm Retarded

Apparently a wise Latina can choose her words more carefully than a cracker senator from Oklahoma. You people all know Ricky Ricardo, don't you? Just Senator Coburn's way of showing he's sensitive to our Hispanic brethren and hip to their lingo. I'm a small town white boy and even I winced at this. Kind of like I wince when I hear a foreman yell to anyone who doesn't turn beet red in the sun "Hey Mexico, Get over here!".

Of course this is even worse. Courtesy of that jug eared mofo from Alabama- Sessions who wonders why Sotomayor didn't vote with the other beaner judge. I mean ya'll live in the same room, right? As my dad says. "What do you expect from Alabama?" Not much, I guess.

Bill Buckley must be spinning in his grave. And poor Colin Powell. He's off crying in a corner right now. God, I love the Republican Party.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Serious Contestant Candidate

Before resigning

"Hi Alaska. I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve, as your Governor."
Hi yourself. Thank you for speaking directly to us from your web page. I can see your picture from my computer.

"People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine. I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state."
I mean in the future. I gotta go. There's a sale at Nieman.

"Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. It's enery! God gave us energy."
So God likes the Saudi's and Russians more? I wish God gave me the energy to figure out just what in the hell you're trying to say.

"People who know me...As you know me...People who know me..."
Yeah. You're practically one of the family. And in my case that ain't such a good thing.

The rest is a chaotic mess of mixed metaphors and lame sports analogies ranging from protecting states' rights by filing suit in federal court to allow private companies to fill lakes with toxic mine waste to not being a quitter by quitting in the middle of her term. Follow the link and feel free to mine your own quotes. There's gold in them thar hills.

Contrast it with:

The following op-ed by Sarah Palin in her own words as told to William Kristol.
"The ironic beauty in this plan? Soon, even the most ardent liberal will understand supply-side economics."

Hmm. A bigger irony is that this is well phrased. Someone evidently learned to write in comprehensible English in just 10 short days. Well, the message is still garbled and God remains our biggest energy producer but still, this girl is a quick study. Watch out, Barry. She's coming for you.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Who Says We're Not the Party of Ideas

We got ideas. We got ideas about how to end it with a mistress in a sensitive and loving way:
"... I used you for my own pleasure, not letting thoughts of you, Doug, Blake, Brandon or Brittany come into my mind..." (By the way - I know you're upset so here's $96,000.00 for tissues)
Senator Ensign (Viagra-Nevada) to some other guy's wife

Before we get all holier than thou (or smarter than thou) on the Senator let's review a few mitigating factors:
1. Ensign is a Senator from Nevada
2. Ensign got advice on dealing with the fallout from this affair from Sen. Coburn, the junior and, if you can believe it, stupider* Senator from Oklahoma. Coburn advised Ensign to leave this paper trail and pay off the family, leaving another paper trail. Coburn is an OB/GYN and a deacon. Fair warning OK cowgirls - don't let this guy anywhere near your cooch.
3. Ensign is so obviously wracked by guilt that he forgot that women can be human beings, capable of independent thought and action. Seems crazy, I know. Unless Mrs X was in a coma, it takes two to tango. Sometimes the vagina is as likely to use the penis as the penis is to use the vagina. More craziness, I know.
4. Johnny's in love

Another presidential hopeful flames out. Sarah's starting to look pretty good. At least she isn't sporting a penis. I think.

*yes, I know. But I like stupider more better

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Scripto Tears Lid Off Creationist Conspiracy

Well, not exactly a conspiracy, since it was only one guy and I didn't exactly rip the lid off since it wasn't any kind of secret but I did write a letter. Now I've been having trouble getting published lately, either because The Man can't handle the truth or it may be that the editor is threatened by the fluidity of my prose. But since you dropped by - here it is:

To the Editor:
A theory in science is a well tested concept that explains a set of observations and makes testable predictions. The idea that life has been on this planet for a very long time and has changed through time is as much a fact as the idea that the earth orbits the sun. The consensus is that evolution occurred by descent through modification, mainly by natural selection, and this is what should be taught in our science classes. Just as there are no coherent alternatives to atomic theory or germ theory there are no supported alternatives to evolutionary theory. So-called Scientific Creationism has been falsified and Intelligent Design remains a vague idea that shows no promise of being a testable hypothesis, let alone a scientific theory.
Here is one undisputed fact that can be taught in biology classes across the entire district: If Board President Helman believes that all species were originally created as they are now, as he has been reported as saying, then he has no idea what he is talking about. Congratulations to the rest of the board for overruling him on the purchase of the Miller/Levine text. May they continue to do so in all matters involving curriculum.

Update: Holy Shit! They printed it. Not quite as I wrote it. Instead of insulting Helman I was edited to insult other, unnamed board members.