Thursday, April 23, 2009

Happy F#@king Easter

Worst Easter ever. A little background: I've never been very ambitious and have always tended towards procrastination. In fact, if it didn't come easy it didn't come at all. Couple that inherent laziness with an early desire to turn on, tune in and drop out and you have a guy who has relegated himself to the lower ends of the socio-economic spectrum. But I always tested well. Well enough that I tested exactly the same on my SAT's as my BFF who's a respected, rich and successful professional type doctor. So while I was running a cultivator, or flipping burgers, or dismantling cars, or delivering the mail, or stacking books, or driving a truck, or duckwalking around a mixer with a pressure washer, or cutting firewood, or sitting in my cubicle, I always held close to my heart the knowledge that I had the highest SAT's in my immediate family and even though they all got degrees and shit, I could have been a contender. But it is not for this old man to wander into the twilight of his life holding tight to this illusion. My brother couldn't wait to tell me about his precious daughter's SAT's. 50 points higher than mine, combined. Of course, she's only a junior. She hopes to do better next year. Of course.

It gets worse. No holiday meal is complete without my sister-in-law calling me an idiot. After being force fed more organic food than a bunch of pate bound Whole Foods geese, we were all sitting around the table (I don't know about the rest of them but I'm still waiting for Jesus to show) and I was disrespected in the following manner:

Niece: "My religious teacher is a Flemish Lesbian"
Me: "Maybe it's allergies, she ought to take some Claritin D for that."
Sister-in-Law: "You are an idiot!"


  1. Anonymous9:22 PM

    Don’t berate yourself. Look at all of the people who you surpassed in your scores.

    Paul Allen - 1600 (unrecentered)
    Bill Gates - 1590 (unrecentered)
    Bill O'Reilly - 1585 (unrecentered)
    James Woods - 1579 (unrecentered)
    Ben Stein - 1573 (unrecentered)
    Rush Limbaugh - 1530 (unrecentered)
    Scott McNealy - 1420 (unrecentered)
    Jennifer Ringley - 1400 (unrecentered)
    Al Gore - 1355 (unrecentered)
    George W. Bush - 1206 (unrecentered)
    John Kerry - 1190 (unrecentered)
    Bill Clinton - 1032 (unrecentered)
    Al Franken - 1020 (unrecentered)
    Janeane Garofalo - 950 (unrecentered)
    Howard Stern - 870 (unrecentered

    And don’t forget, that you never drove a vintage 1963 Austin Healey, which was the car his father loved, into a solid and immobile telephone pole, thus proving Newton’s first law of motion, while driving with a one week old license, not realizing that ice was slippery, and still ignorant and forgetting Newton’s first law and the problems of inertia, while entertaining his BFF’s brother, who would one day spawn progeny that would surpass his SAT scores.

  2. So past performance is no indication of future success? It's a little late in the game to figure that out. Although I don't think Howard was even trying. Don't you get 400 points for filling your name in correctly? You never did get that license back, did you? Are you still grounded? To be precise that vehicle wasn't vintage when you wrecked it. I mean, it would be now if you hadn't have, uh, wrecked it.