Saturday, April 04, 2009

The World's Worst Catholic and the Resurrection

Hate to spring this on you so close to Easter but it didn't happen. Here's how I know:
Back when I was a lad, when dashboards were metal and Christopher was still a saint, my dad had a plastic magnetic Jesus just like the one in the picture. Well, almost just like it. Our Jesus was missing his right hand but it did't seem to bother my dad. I can't remember a time when Lefty J didn't occupy center stage on the dash, right underneath the St. Christopher medal that hung from the rear view mirror. We had all the available safety equipment for an American car of that era.
One Good Friday, when I was about six years old, I snagged the Jesus from the dashboard and buried him at the bottom of the sandbox in my back yard. I knew the story and I fully expected that in three days Jesus would be out of the sand and ready for action. Easter morning I got up, ran outside and....there he wasn't. I dug down in the sand and ... there he was...right where I left him at the bottom of the sandbox. Expecting a miracle, I ended up with a head scratcher. Now you would think that if the Lord could reanimate a dead guy after three days just to make a point he could have sent some frost heaves or a minor earthquake my way and popped my Jesus out of the sand. It would have gone a long way to stymie my emergent agnosticism. If this bums you out, I'm sorry, but think of how that poor little boy felt when his Jesus stayed buried in the sand.


  1. Anonymous3:20 PM

    You could have comforted yourself with
    some Peanuts Taylor records.

  2. Anonymous8:33 PM

    Maybe this was your Dashboard Jesus. You just got the Damian version.

    A Cincinnati teenager was killed yesterday when her plastic Jesus dashboard figure was driven into her chest by her car's airbag which inflated during an accident involving two other vehicles.

    17-year-old Darlene Fulps of Cincinnati was apparently holding her Jesus figure close to her chest when she ran through a red light and collided with two other vehicles in a busy intersection.

    "The air bag inflated and pushed the head of Jesus straight through her heart," said Tom Young, medical examiner at the scene of the accident. "If it wasn't for the plastic Jesus, Ms. Fulps would still be alive today."

    "Air bags have saved thousands of lives, but in this case it actually took a life, thanks to Jesus," said police officer Graham Pryor, first officer at the scene.

    Robert Fulps, Darlene's father and devout Christian man said "It was just our daughter's time to go, and we can't question the actions of God. My daughter loved Jesus and worshipped Him, and I think she's probably talking to Him in heaven right now."

    "We gave our daughter the dashboard Jesus for her birthday last year, and she really liked it," said Mrs. Gladys Fulps. "It's too bad that Jesus ended up killing her, but we believe she's in heaven now, and we're happy for her, and hope to re-unite with her when we get to heaven."

    "We're just glad our daughter had Jesus in her heart when she died," said Mr. and Mrs. Fulps.

  3. Anon 1 - If there was a God I would have a set of Goombay drums.

    Anon 2 - The only thing our Jesus ever hurt was my feelings.

  4. Anonymous9:07 PM


    I found it...

  5. Great clip. I loved Steve Allen. I get a feeling that Steve was no slouch on the Goombays either, after all those years of practice slapping Jayne's ass.