I hit the daily double this Christmas. Not only was I wished a Merry Fucking Christmas but I was also called an idiot, all in the space of 12 short hours and by two different women. Normally I try to be proactive enough to ward off any potential holiday problems. I know how she is and after 20 years of eggshell walking at this time of the year I've gotten pretty good at anticipating when I am about to touch off a Christmas Apocalypse. Christmas Eve, the grandchild was sleeping, visions of ipods and nintendos dancing in her head, and I popped the Death Race dvd in the player and was sorting out my 10 thousand or so stocking stuffers when she and the child's father came in the door. Right away I offer to turn off the movie and put on some sort of sappy Christmas music.
"No, no. Go ahead and watch your (as opposed to our) movie."
Uh oh. "Um, ok." (I paused it anyway, I'm not completely stupid)
She walks in the kitchen, walks back out with the digital camera and proceeds to replay the hundred or so pictures she took during the Christmas festivities at Granny's house. Now, in my defense, I was there only two hours before and I even remembered what everyone looked like. Not being a fish, I was unable to keep one eyeball on the camera and one on Death Race without tipping her off. She is the Christmas Queen, after all. She knows when I've been bad or good and particularly when I am feigning interest. Turning off the camera, she stomps out of the room wishing me a
"Merry Fucking Christmas!"
"But I paused it........"
The boy laughs and laughs and laughs. Yeah, real funny.
The second incident occurred at my Dad's house during Christmas dinner. My sister-in-law was trying to make some point about the empty chair of Elijah (although I hardly think that setting aside a seat for God's invisible dick shortening enforcer is appropriate for Christmas dinner) but she made the mistake of framing it as some sort of question.
"What do the Jews do during seder...........?"
" I think they start out with the Feliz Navidad prayer."
That hurt. It hurt bad. I was just trying to help.