Tuesday, May 25, 2010

She Said What?

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there, and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico -- now, if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case," 

Part-time Alaskan Governor Palin  went on to say that if Obama was any kind of President at all he would take the Seaview  (Sub-Force One) from its secret dock under the Potomac and go drop a tactical nuke Russian style in that runaway well, kind of like that President did in Independence Day. Ignoring the fact that the McCain campaign enjoyed a 3 to 1 campaign finance advantage from the oil companies Palin went on to imply that Obama was in bed with BP because of that massive 77k contribution which gave BP and only BP a free get out of cleanup card. Obama and BP knew this would happen. Just like the Muslim Socialist Overlords of the Kenyan village where Obama was born knew that 47 years hence he would be elected President of the United States and posted a birth notice in the Honolulu Advertiser to cover their tracks.

To my liberal friends Keith, Rachel, Bill (and maybe Mr. Potato Head):  Unless you are aware of some sort of Emergency Blowout Agency in the Department of the Navy that has the welding robot deep sea submersibles with operators trained in all facets of deep sea drilling that should have been  airlifted into action at the first sign of trouble, quit squawking at the Government to do something. Unless your plan is to have the Navy deploy a tactical nuke, shut the fuck up.

To my conservative friends Sarah, John, Rush, Joe:  Thanks for "Drill Baby, Drill!", the massive tax credits to the oil industry and gutting every regulatory agency that could have prevented this disaster. If you plan on calling this Obama's Katrina - shut the fuck up.

To Mike Barnicle:  Please, please - just shut the fuck up.

To my American friends:  If you drive a car and are looking for someone to blame - try a mirror. And shut the fuck up.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Physician Lynches Self - Blames Lesbian Conspiracy

Because, yeah, they can play things and want to say, 'Oh you believed in beating up people that were trying to sit in restaurants in the 1960s.' And that is such a ridiculous notion and something that no rational person (that's why she asked you, Rand)  is in favor of . [But] she went on and on about that."

Ron Paul on the Laura Ingraham show. Calling his appearance on the Rachel Maddow show "a poor political decision" - gee ya think?, Paul said it will never ever ever ever happen again. By that he means appearing on the Rachel Maddow show, not saying something stupid. He seems to be constitutionally incapable of making sense - some sort of Tea Party Tourette's. I can't wait until someone asks him about Social Security or Medicare. But it won't be Rachel - not that she was unfair. If anything, she bent over backwards to give him a chance to say something not too terribly stupid. She may have given him the rope - but he tied the knot and kicked over the chair himself.

Too bad. A little Libertarian injection into the electoral process would have been interesting. But Rand Paul's anti-choice as far as abortion. What kind of Libertarian is that? More like the contradictory and incoherent set of Tea Party principles. Fear and conservative social engineering dressed up in fake fiscal responsiblility. Both Pauls have batshit crazy ideas - but the old man is way sharper.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

And Some Chicken Nuggets to Go for My Friend in the Back of the Bus

From the What Was He Thinking? Dept. at Woo University a curious exchange between Rand "I'm not racist but that doesn't mean I want to sit next to them at McDonalds" Paul and the sharp as a tack Rachel Maddow. But this was an easy one for her. She just had to clear away a few clouds of obfuscation to get at the gist of what Paul was trying to say about the Civil Rights Act (the correct answer, Mr. Paul, is "yes, of course I support it").  After wandering down the rabbit hole of the history of slavery in Boston during the 19th century, an aside that confused not only Maddow but the rest of America, Paul managed to blurt out something about being against government sanctioned racism. He said this several times so I assume the implication is that private sector racism is OK, being based on the First Amendment Right of Free non - Association. Or something like that. It was kind of confused and not nearly as clear as Reagan's States Rights Trip to Philadelphia, Mississippi, but you get the message. Straight from the I Got Mine So Fuck the Rest of You and It's OK if You're Scared of Negroes wing of the Libertarian Tea Party.

Paul went on to say he would have been marching right alongside Dr. King back in the day. As long as he didn't have to sit next to him on the bus ride down.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The World's Worst Catholic™ Explains the Rite of Exorcism

It's bullshit. There. Need some more explanation? Let me dish out a little theology from the Catholic Cafeteria where I have my own table (and usually sit by myself). I know the cool kids have a different perspective on exorcism and mainly just get upset when it's done "wrong" but I'm here to tell you that there is no "right" way to cast out demons simply because you can't cast out what doesn't exist. I like to think there are better explanations for unacceptably crazy behavior. The whole idea of a personified evil force is an idea so off base it should be relegated to the ash heap of history along with voodoo, witchcraft and Newt Gingrich being an intellectual force in modern thought. As my friend Charlie the Episcopalian Priest (it's ok - that's almost catholic) told me - there is God and not God. Evil only exists in the absense of the ineffable one. You can no more pin down evil than you could stuff and mount a jellyfish to your wall. Evil is entropy - the dissolution of order - death, decay - all the stuff that has to happen. Our original sin has nothing to do with choice and everything to do with the universe we live in - it is in our baser natures selected for survival. Our job, if we choose to accept it, is to identify these forces of selection and resist them. So by identifying a demon and trying through ritual, magic or force of will to cast it out you are doing nothing more than giving chaos form and creating demons to inhabit the possessed and the priest's interior worlds. No demons exist outside the boundaries of our internal mental states. Nor do any gods - but that's for another time.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Not Your Mama's Carol Wright

We were shocked - shocked I tell you! Tucked amidst the Mister Steamy, Magic Mop, Tropical Rompers and various homeopathic remedies were two pages loaded with enough, uh, personal care products to satisfy a Republican Senator. Pictured at left is a device with the patented Butterfly Kiss. My Grammy, a dedicated shopper in years gone by, wouldn't have approved. At least, I hope not. And how about this glowing recommendation from a happy penis pump buyer:
I have owned two of these pumps over the last 10 years, a buddy bought one for me. Really do enjoy the manual one. It is great for expanding and helping when needed. Just loved it and plan to buy me another one for this christmas. I have one that cost $400 buck, real medical pump, like this one better, more uses.
Hey, what are friends for? Although I have to wonder what other uses he's talking about. And  $149 for the battery operated and $90 for the manual ( that sounds like asking for a heart attack to me - after all, who wants to take the time to pump up a tire in the middle of the race?) seems a little salty  to me. I could slap something together using a vacuum cleaner and hose clamp for one tenth the cost.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Happy Birthday Dad

May 6, 1924 - November 24, 2009. Funny how two boys from the same seeds can look at the world so differently. We've been slowly going through Dad's estate - the final repository of a multi generational collection of knick knacks and pictures. My brother lives in a more spirit haunted world than I, going as far as to keep the door closed to dad's bedroom where the old man took his final dive. He says he feels dad's presence throughout the house and he doesn't like it. He's ready to move on. I feel it, too but I like it. I'm a hoarder of memories and I'm not ready to let go of that physical connection.

So we tossed the clothes first thing, secured the Bronze Stars and campaign ribbons, and started moving out his plants. We can't bring ourselves to get rid of the Vitalis and Aqua Velva sitting on the shelf next to the shower. Even though neither one of us had that father-son Aqua Velva moment like in the commercial - you know the one - where, after a bracing father-son game of catch in the yard, the old man tosses the kid the Aqua Velva and the kid says - Cool. And the old man smiles knowingly. We never had a moment like that. And now we never will. And it is unlikely that I could get my daughter to wear it. And I am not allowed to wear it. I have been instructed to remain scent neutral.

Aqua Velva - firms, tones
and if you got the shakes you can drink it.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Newsweek - 8/21/61

Hijacking was a fun trip to Cuba instead of a flaming death dive into a skyscraper, Vietnam was still the "Peanut War" and the Commies were on the run, Kennedy was still kickin, as was Nasser and TWA, the Dow skyrocketed to 722.61 and tough guys played football with broken necks - for a while, anyway. Oh, and Newsweek actually had a bunch of pages - with words on them, no less.