Man vs Wild - The Groundhoggening

Looking out the back window while I'm making my coffee I see two of the little bastards helping themselves to my tomatoes so I get the shotgun out of the closet, run in the living room and rifle through the ammo safe for a couple of shells and sneak out the back door. My granddaughter follows me out:

"Are you going to shoot them?"

I'm gonna try.

Will there be blood?

I hope so.

Lot's of blood?

I hope so. Go inside."

She comes out a little while later wearing surgical gloves and carrying a pair for me. Strange kid. She's obsessed with puppies (they're so cute)  so I kind of figured she would be upset if she saw me blasting a groundhog. I guess not. I didn't get it anyway. This is the same kid who checks out the reflection of the tv in the wardrobe mirror when she comes in the room to make sure I'm not watching something too scary. How the reflection is different from the real thing, I don't know. But it is.

So this year, it's Scripto -1 Groundhog Nation -1 since I live trapped one this morning and took him out of town on my way to work. Technically, relocating them is illegal. Rabid groundhogs or, more likely, rabid farmers, I suppose. Anyway, I was running late and I couldn't be bothered to gather up pistol and groundhog both. I never have much luck opening the cage and getting a shot off before the varmint runs away so I usually don't bother. In all the excitement I could see shooting myself in the foot. Some things would be hard to live down around here. The only thing worse would be caught fucking a turkey. I think that guy had to move away.

The First Flush of Freedom

Too bad the Incandescent Light Bulb Freedom Act of 2011 or whatever it's called died in the House the other day. You would think that if incandescent bulbs were good enough for the Founders they would be good enough us. People bitch about the quality of light in the curly ques but I don't see a lot of difference. But, then again, I'm getting old. I kind of like them - I don't feel too bad about forgetting to turn them off. And they're cheaper to run. That's a good thing. Even for an American.

Senator Rand Paul has his panties in a bunch about the federally mandated low flush toilets and will no doubt propose The Flush of Choice Act. I don't know what he's eating but apparently he's having trouble getting all the paper down. Now, I'll admit I had the same reaction when the law was passed - that if the feds wanted me to change my toilet they would have to come pry my 1960 - 7.5 gallon American Standard super flush off my cold dead ass. But I've gone through a couple of models since then and I have to say that the technology is a lot better than when the low water models first came out. So Senator Randy, just quit yer bitchin' and swap out your commodes - you can afford it. And don't expect the Invisible Hand  to magically cure our environmental problems. If it was up to the markets the Cuyahoga would still catch fire and Pittsburgh would still be dark at noon.

Guilty As Charged

Of what, I'm not sure but I'm not one to miss an opportunity to put my two cents in whether I know anything about it or not. I'm not a lawyer but I have been on a jury in a murder trial which, I believe, puts me one up on the rest of you jaw flapping yahoos out there. Now with Casey Anthony I can see how the jury would acquit her of the first degree murder charge. Not enough evidence and the whole "kill the kid so that she could party" motive seemed pretty suspect to me. Why not leave her with the grandparents or put her up for adoption? But if the jury didn't think the evidence was enough for felony manslaughter of a child, the very least they should have come in with was felony child abuse. The defense, no doubt hoping for at most a manslaughter conviction, opened that can of worms when they put out the claim that she helped to hide the body after an accidental drowning. Who the hell doesn't call 911 when they find their kid at the bottom of the pool? I guess everyone grieves in their own way but acting like a drunken hose bag shouldn't be one of them. And the tearful group hug around Anthony by the defense team after the verdict came in was touching. Hard to believe they actually like that girl. Assholes.

And, speaking of assholes and not being able to tell yours from a hole in the ground, let's talk about the OJ jury. Although statistically improbable, if you run through enough trials over a long enough period of time eventually you are going to get 12 retards together in the same place at the same time. Retards who decide despite a convergent trail of physical evidence, motive and opportunity that led right to Simpson, it is more likely that a conspiracy of cops who can barely walk and chew gum at the same time orchestrate a convoluted plot to frame OJ because...well, because...that's why.

So we're howling because we want justice for that little girl. We want some finality where the guilty are punished, God is in heaven, and all is right with the world. Then we can start to put it out of our minds. I don't think that's how it works. More often than not the guilty die in bed at a ripe old age, murders are unsolved or undiscovered and the universe just grinds on. It's a fucked up situation is what it is.

Not Like TV

Serving on a jury, I mean. My experience was of a somewhat befuddled system run by somewhat well intentioned people. It was a murder trial involving a guy who shotgunned his step daughter. Unlike a lot of trials there was no doubt on either side who pulled the trigger. Our job as jurors was to determine intent and figure out whether we were dealing with 1st degree murder or a lesser charge of manslaughter. The defense based their case on the supposition that this guy was too intoxicated to mean to kill her and the prosecution based their case on numerous prior threats that this guy had made. There were no BAC readings and both sides trotted out "experts" to explain at what level of intoxication a person no longer knew what they were doing. Of course they completely contradicted each other so of course we pretty much ignored that testimony. The consensus was that the "experts" were a couple of clowns, anyway. So there we were after testimony, locked in a room with graphic pictures of a dead girl, a representation of the room where the killing occurred (if I remember correctly we also took a road trip to the house) and the murder weapon, a monstrous long barreled twelve gauge. There wasn't a lot of drama, just a bunch of well meaning strangers trying to do the right thing. We were instructed on the specifics of the law and we were trying to fit the evidence to the most likely verdict. If you wanted to be a dick about it I suppose you could bollix up the whole thing by ignoring the judge's instructions but like I said, all of us took this seriously, there was dead girl involved.

Maybe we were a particularly relaxed group but that whole dynamic of people splitting into teams or yelling and trying to take over the proceedings didn't occur. We were split about 8 to 4 - 8 for first degree murder and 4 for voluntary manslaughter. I made my position clear - he had threatened her previously and he gunned the poor girl down as she was running for the door. There is no doubt in my mind that he was trying to kill her and if he was drunk out of his mind he couldn't have made that shot. In the end we came in with guilty in the 1st degree. Most of the jury were women and I could see in their eyes that there was no way that they were going to let this motherfucker slide. I found out why later. A whole sad story of continual sexual, psychological and physical abuse. I guess some of us were a little more aware of the dynamics of the situation than others. That stuff never came up in the trial and I sure didn't pick up on it at the time. Wouldn't have changed my mind one way or the other.

Sentencing took all of about 10 seconds. Pennsylvania has mandatory life without parole for first degree murder. I didn’t know it and was a little shocked at how abrupt it was. One minute he was there and the next he was gone. Would it have changed my vote? I don’t think so.  The judge thanks the jury and cuts everyone loose so after being sequestered and coddled like little kittens the jury was suddenly dismissed to walk out with the herd consisting of the press and the perp’s and victim’s friends and family (who were sometimes the same people). Weird. For some reason I wanted to talk to the lawyers. But I didn't.

The Vacation - Part One

Two days in and Grampy realizes that he's spent the entire week's budget

Unanticipated stayover at Kent Narrows - $185

Gas and tolls to retrieve workable car - $95

Repair of family truckster - $482

Replacement boogie board and skimboard - $85

Food, boardwalk, stuff - $565

Spending a week with the grandchildren - pricey

Anthony, Anthony, Anthony

I can take a few character flaws in my heroes but feet of clay and an exposed willy is a little much. It has taken me this long to weigh in on Weinergate because I am devastated. My hero - caught with his pants down. The loudest, most effective voice for single payer and Medicare for all hoisted by his own twit-tard. What am I supposed to say when people come up to me and ask me about my Medicare for All bumper sticker? "Here's an compelling argument from Anthony Weiner - you know, Anthony Weiner - the penis guy. " No wonder Nancy dropped a stitch and Debbie's just fucking pissed. They both want him to resign. I guess I still don't. But I would like him to stop sending penis pictures over the internet. Kind of reckless, if you ask me.

Now their have been times in my life when I have been very lonely. Adrift and abandoned, desirous of the slightest human touch, a hint of a smile, a kind word, a warm hand on my weiner shoulder... But the thought of sending pictures of my willy over the internet to perfect strangers never really occurred to me. Not even with the digital zoom. I may be overreacting but I find the whole thing kind of peculiar.

So what we are dealing with here is a reckless and obsessive character flaw, refreshingly untainted by hypocrisy. At least he didn't drag his wife with him to the press conference. She's off  gallivanting around the world with Hillary. I bet they have a lot to talk about. "You know Huma it could be worse...." When Vitter got caught in the DC Madame affair he dragged his poor wife to the obligatory I've Been a Naughty Boy and I'm Sorry press conference. "C'mon hon, put on something nice and stand next to me while I humiliate both of us in public." I don't feel bad for a family values hypocrite like Vitter. I did feel bad for his wife, though. She looked beyond upset. Vitter was running a nice little K-Street fund raiser under the radar while Weiner was at the gate. These C Street clowns all have a King David complex. They consider themselves extraordinary men entitled to extraordinary vices. Fucking chimps.

Sarah Palin's America

"I know my American History."

You betcha - the real story, not the gotcha one told by the lamestream media:

 

Paul Revere - American Hero

Paul Revere's Whistle

Paul Revere's Bell

British Troops Await Paul Revere

Paul Revere Warns British that the Americans are Coming

British Surrender - Wolverines!!

Glen Beck Launches New Book Imprint

First release will be a young adult novel about a boy with Tourette’s syndrome – and superpowers.

The boy's name is Glenn and his superpower is that he can't shut the fuck up.

The Trouble With My New Blackberry Torch

All porn is midget porn

Don't Do This

I work in a windowless cloth covered box separated from the other cloth covered boxes by a door. Actually I work in a box inside another box that is off a little hallway inside a bigger box. I also spend the day staring into a box hooked to another box that is showing drawings of big boxes to park cars in. And the ones I dare not name keep our department separated from the general population because of our Tourette's like use of inappropriate obscenities and suspect hygiene.

So my buddy walks out the door and about ten minutes later, when oddly enough I am actually working, pouring over drawings with my back to the door,  the door opens and I shout out "What's up bitch!". Instead of the customary "Fuck you" I am met with dead silence. I turn around, and there, standing in the doorway, looking right at me, is the Exectutive Assistant to the President of the Company. What do you say? I thought you were the bitch I work with? I was mortified and spent the rest of the day mumbling apologies, pretty much to anyone who would listen. Didn't help that the assholes I work with couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, I didn't get fired. Yet.

First Communion

"We had practice today for First Communion."

"So, how'd it go?"

"Fine, we got to taste the wafer since they didn't make it Jesus yet. We got to taste it twice."

"I always liked it. Did it taste OK?"

"I liked it! But I think when they make it Jesus it will be more crunchy."

More Thoughts on the Royal Wedding

Gayer then Elton John's

Thoughts on the Royal Wedding

 

She could do better

I Had Big Plans

When I started this blog. Woo University was going to be a clearinghouse dedicated to the mockery of anti-science, particularly of the creationist and Intelligent Design variety. The students would be idiots and the staff even bigger idiots. My first post would feature Dr.Dr. Bill Dembski as the football coach. Invariably Woo University would lose every football game and at the following meeting Bill would cover the whiteboard with a complicated series of precise probability calculations and applications of Information Theory to prove that Woo University couldn't possibly have gotten their asses kicked the previous Saturday. Mathematically, it was impossible - hah!hah!Hah! hah!Hah!. Man, it was going to be great. I was going to sell T shirts and everything. I even had a mascot - The Wed Wooster of Woo University. I would be admired and loved across the whole wide web.

Then halfway thourgh the first post as the fundamental disconnect between my brain and my fingers started to assert itself, I began to realize that the whole concept was kind of a one trick pony. A lame one at that and that the joke was an inside one. So far inside that it was barely perceptible as humor, even to me. So I began to regret the choice of Woo University almost right off the bat and if I didn't think it would throw my readers (Thanks, hon) off I would change the title to something like this:

The True Unbeliever

Almost There

Hey - Over Here!

Random Access

Surely Uncertain

Sit Down and Shut Up

In No Way Shape or Form

Somewhat Intelligible

Almost English

I Wonder

Passing through Gettysburg after picking up one of the grandkids :

"That's the town Grampy Scrip used to live in"

"He died"

"Yeah, I showed you where he was buried a little bit ago."

"He's with God, in Outer Space."

"Uh, yeah, I guess so"

That's the problem with bringing up your kids in the "Shit, I Don't Know School of Theology - you never know where anyone stands these days. Used to be we all grew up with one or the other consistently absurd explanations for why we are and what we will be. I have no idea what to say - I get in enough trouble with The Mother over snacks and fucking up the kid's hair. I was playing with Estella and hiding one of her Burger King...uh... toys. She told me that if I didn't give her back her Egg Snapper, God would surely kill me. In a dream. (Hah, I'd like to see him try - although my Uncle Jack did go that way. In his sleep, anyway). We got all sorts of grandkids but this is the only one that seems to live in some sort of weird dream time and the only one that seems to think about God. I'm gonna miss lil' Estella when she moves to California.

"We went Outer Spacing in school and we found God."

"That's nice."

"We also saw the moon - there's poop on the moon!"

"Don't be silly. There's no poop on the moon."

But...I wonder. There were people on the moon. And where there are people poop cannot be far behind. Did we just leave a flag, some footprints and a golf ball behind? Or did someone leave a little something something to mark some territory and to show future spacefarers that, yes, WE WERE HERE?

Foodies

On the ride back after picking up one of the grandkids -(italics are, of course, sub-vocal) :

"My Mommy is a vegetarian."

"Really?"

"I'm a vegetarian, too."

"That's nice"

"I'm hungry"

"Wanna stop at McDonalds?"

"I'm not allowed to eat at McDonalds. Mommy won't let me."

(oh, Christ ) "Well, what do you want to eat?"

"I want a hot dog."

(what the hell? do they even make vegetarian hot dogs? If they do I bet they suck)

"I don't think any of these places have hot dogs. How about a sandwich from Quiznos?"

(from my co pilot and lovely wife) "She won't find anything in there that she likes"

(Hey, I'd like you to be quiet )

"Mommy lets me eat at Wendy's"

(Jesus fucking Christ - that's where I was headed in the first place and really, what's the difference? I suppose the snack bar at Target was totally out of the question)

"Okey-dokey, Wendy's it is"

I've since discovered that, once she dispensed with the obligatory initial protestations, this kid will eat anything that remotely resembles food. Now, I've raised enough kids to know that I don't really know anything about anything and I won't presume to tell The Mom how to raise her kid but I can't remember making a big deal about diet with any of the kids and none of them turned out to be sickly fatties. Nothing wrong with moderating sugar and fat to a point but when you get right down to it a calorie is a calorie. And kids are kids. And the more you tell them they can't have it, the more they'll go looking for it.

A Few Modest Proposals

"Over the last two years since President Obama has taken office, the federal government has added 200,000 new federal jobs and if some of those jobs are lost in this, so be it,"

                                                                                             John Boehner (R-I hate my job)

We need to slash government spending (i.e. Government jobs) and put people out of work and on unemployment now so that at some time, somehow, somewhere the "job creators" will create jobs because....uh.....THE MARKET!. It's not the lack of demand that is holding our "job creators" back it's the...uh... UNCERTAINTY! Mainly the uncertainty of having to pay people a living wage.

"If we act now, we can avoid disruptions for current seniors while advancing patient-centered reforms so Medicare will be strengthened for future beneficiaries. The alternative is the European-style death spiral of the welfare state: kick the can down the road as our debt explodes. Under an ever-expansive, all-consuming central government, costs will be contained with Washington's heavy hand imposing price controls, slashing benefits and arbitrarily rationing seniors' care. "
                                                                                  Paul Ryan (R-full of shit)

The Destroy the Village to Save the Village Bill to save Medicare. We can't afford it. Grandma can just as easily die in the street as in a nursing home and it's cheaper. If it weren't for Medicare spoiling everything the insurance industry would be lining up to offer old sick people affordable health insurance at reasonable rates. Not only that but by enriching these insurers who provide no actual health care we would ultimately lower health care costs for everyone because...uh...COMPETITION!.

" We don't want to turn the safety net into a hammock that lulls people to lives of complacenc

­ies and dependenci­es, into a permanent condition where they never get on their feet,"

                                                                                        Paul Ryan (R-still full of shit)

The Really, Ricketts Weren't So Bad bill to save Medicaid. Block grants to the states. Really, the states are best able to determine minimum standards of care just like they are best able to determine minimum wages. You can vote with your feet - it's simple - if you need a transplant don't live in Arizona. If your baby gets hookworm, just put some shoes on her and walk her out of Mississippi. If a tsunami hits Malibu, wipes out the water supply and our stars and starlets come down with the bloody flux, well, too bad. When the money for toilet paper and Immodium runs out...uh...STATE'S RIGHTS! 

Ryan's Express to Dystopia

It's Assholes All the Way Down

So some asshole burns  a book and, in turn, another group of assholes incites a third larger group of assholes to kill 12 people who more than likely weren't assholes. All this publicized by our home grown media assholes. Wait a second...you don't think posting this makes me an asshole, do you? There really is no hope.

Odorless, Colorless... but Something Still Stinks

Charles Zogby, Corbett's budget Secretary was shilling for the new Republican budget proposals on Radio Smart Talk. Evidently we have to tighten our belts, cut state spending to get this budget shortfall under control in order to get this economy moving and put Pennsylvanians back to work. But first we have to put a lot of people out of work. You know, teachers, police, firefighters, EPA inspectors, those sorts of people. It's not like they're really working anyway.

      Some guy calls in and says - "Say, instead of laying off teachers and cutting state funding to education why don't we tax the companies extracting natural gas from the Marcellus Shale formation like every other state does." This elicits the response that the Governor intends to make Pennsylvania the "Texas of Natural Gas Production" (and the Mississippi of education). After all, if the gas companies aren't able to tear up the roads, pollute the water, overload the water treatment plants, take the gas, make a bunch of money and leave, without the inconvenience of taxes or adequate inspections,  they might just go drill somewhere else. Where are they gonna go? Some no tax state where there isn't any gas? I suppose we are idiots. We voted those clowns in.

Marriage - It's More Serious Than We Thought

 Recuse this, bitch!

From a piece in the New York Times Magazine, a profile of Robby George (D.Phil, Oxford University; JD, Harvard University; AB, Swarthmore College),  America's foremost homophobic deep thinker. Of course the following analysis by yours truly (Mt. Lebanon High School '71) is based on what some guy said about what another guy thinks. That's hardly fair to Guy #2. But, then again, I'm hardly a researcher:

"He admits the argument for marriage between a man and a woman can require “somewhat technical philosophical analysis.”

Go for it.

 It is a two-step case that starts with marriage and works its way back to sex.

I think he's got it backward.

 First, he contends that marriage is a uniquely “comprehensive” union, meaning that it is shared at several different levels at once — emotional, spiritual and bodily. “And the really interesting evidence that it is comprehensive is that it is anchored in bodily sharing,” he says.

Like a tapeworm.

“Ordinary friendships wouldn’t be friendships anymore if they involved bodily sharing,” he explained to me.

No, they would be conjoined twins.

 “If I, despite being a married man, had this female friend of mine and I said, ‘Well, gosh, why don’t we do some bodily sharing,’

Gee willikers, can I bone you?

 and we had straightforward sexual intercourse, well, that wouldn’t be friendship or marriage

How about if it was straightbackward sexual intercourse?

." It is bodily, O.K...."

OK

 "...but it is not part of a comprehensive sharing of life."

OK

"My comprehensive sharing of life is with my wife, which I just now violated.”

OK, you're a pig. So what?

 "But just as friendships with sex are not friendships, marriage without sex is not marriage."

I'm free!

" Sex, George said, is the key to this 'comprehensive unity.'He then imagined himself as a man with no interest in sex who proposed to seal a romance by committing to play tennis only with his beloved. Breaking that promise, he said, would not be adultery."

Tennis anyone?

"The second step is more complicated, and more graphic."

Now you caught my interest

 "George argues that only vaginal intercourse — “procreative-type” sex acts, as George puts it — can consummate this “multilevel” mind-body union."

Yay for the va jay jays.

" Only in reproduction, unlike digestion, circulation, respiration or any other bodily function, do two individuals perform a single function and thus become, in effect, 'one organism.'

Um, I think that would be 3 organisms in one orgasm. One - three, whats the dif? It's a Trinitarian view of the "Act".

Each opposite-sex partner is incomplete for the task; yet together they create a “one-flesh union,” in the language of Scripture. “Their bodies become one (they are biologically united, and do not merely rub together) in coitus (and only in coitus), similarly to the way in which one’s heart, lungs and other organs form a unity by coordinating for the biological good of the whole,” George writes in a draft of his latest essay on the subject.

I'm sorry, but this porn does not work for me. Neither does the analogy. I wonder how long he keeps Mrs. George waiting while he thinks this whole thing through?

" Unloving sex between married partners does not perform the same multilevel function, he argues, nor does oral or anal sex — even between loving spouses."

Maybe not multilevel but definitely multitasking.

Infertile couples, too, are performing this uniquely shared reproductive function, George says, even if they know their sperm and ovum cannot complete it. Marriage is designed in part for procreation in the way a baseball team is designed for winning games, he says, but “people who can practice baseball can be teammates without victories on the field.”

Kind of like the Pirates. Well, I know he's trying to dumb it down for guys like me with the baseball analogy but he fucking well lost me. Sex is "designed" for procreation. Marriage is about property rights.

"George argues that reason alone shows that heterosexual sodomy and homosexual sex are morally wrong, just as the Catholic Church, classical philosophers and other religious traditions have historically taught."

But not practiced.

"Unlike marital union in his special sense, he contends, such acts treat the body as an instrument of the mind’s pleasure."

Invasion of the meat robots.

" As both a practical and a philosophical matter, he argues, the law should not necessarily police such things."

I agree.

" But the need for the state to establish a proper definition of marriage is a different matter, he says, because the law has always regulated it in the interest of parenthood and community. “Marriage in principle is a public institution,” he said. “I don’t think it can be like bar mitzvahs or baptisms or the Elks Club.”"

And there is no evidence at all that allowing gays to marry injures children or communities. And if there is a nugget of a premise buried under that big pile of bullshit, I certainly can't find it. Strange that all the countries that have legalized gay marriage have not collapsed in utter social disarray and that people in those countries are still having babies. Another big picture guy so worried about who's sticking what where that he feels compelled to leave behind this little worm casing of reason. And he hangs with Scalia - that's probably all you need to know.