An Open Letter to John McCain

Dear John,

We both know the road to the White House goes through Pennsylvania so let me give you a few tips about convincing a key demographic that you need to win over, semi-literate, working class white boys. As a card carrying member, let me clue you in as to how we think and how to get our votes in these last few days before the election and, more importantly, target ad campaigns to different areas of the state. I've lived in eastern , western and now central Pennsylvania. You need to figure a 5 point IQ drop from east to west per zip code as you move across the state, a 5 point drop south to north, and then a 50 point drop off when you hit the West Virginia border. But you probably already have WVA sewn up. Here's my tips:

1. Scare the white people! This is absolutely essential for success. It is a time honored Republican strategy and one you have to embrace yourself rather than simply farming it out to Sarah. Bill Ayers ain't going to do it. Wrong shade of terrorist, if you catch my drift. We sure aren't going to be scared of some skinny white hippy, even if he's got a bomb. We know you got Rev. Wright in the bag. Time to let him out. Now there's a bogeyman that will get us worked up.
2. Don't worry about calling us racists and don't ever apologize, ever, for anything (unless you get drunk and are gone all weekend and have to explain it to Cindy). Calling a coal cracker a racist is same as telling him he has a nice truck. It's a given and he don't care. Murtha will be reelected by a landslide. Learn from him. And don't get tangled up in the punchline. It makes you look like John Kerry.
3. Keep up with the Joe the Plumber stuff. And, for Christ sake, don't get all huffy about the media digging up dirt on him. The more we find out about his unlicensed plumbing adventures, his failed marriage and his back taxes, the more we can relate. And the more you can talk about Obama taking Joe's dough (even if he doesn't really pay any) and giving it to crackheads the better it will be. Even though we can't balance our checkbooks we feel qualified to expound on the merits of Obama's tax plan, just like Joe. And even a guest appearance on "The View" is better than unclogging toilets. We all figure he found his ticket out and we don't blame him for that. Next stop is "Who Wants to Marry a Plumber".
4. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT MENTION SOCIAL SECURITY! If you want to set up private accounts save it for after the election. A lot of us got our 401K statements and we're wondering why we didn't just buy a truck when we had that money. The free market system has let us down. We are not used to having money that we put away disappear. And don't mention Medicare. If Mom and Dad get wind of your health care proposals you will lose the all important cranky old people vote.
5. Don't mention your enlightened stand on immigration. It's all about the brown people, bro. We're more scared of them than anything. We think they're after our jobs. I mean they would be if we had any jobs left out here.
6. Send Sarah to every godforsaken bingo hall in every godforsaken borough in this godforsaken state. Just keep that red leather jacket halfway zippered and if someone asks you about her qualifications just wink and say "Would ya?".
7. Here's the tricky one, but the one that will put you over the top. Distance yourself from everyone in the current power structure. Blame the president, the congress, the democrats, the republicans, even your running mate for the problems we are having. Remember that you have to convince the majority of Pennsylvanians to vote against their own self interest. This will take a certain amount of creativity. Have a highly placed yet anonymous party operative feign fury at your betrayal of the Republican party. Let the media smugly and gleefully out him as Karl Rove. A masterstroke: you will be able to publicly sever the tie to Bush and at the same time carry on the same Bush policies unnoticed. People who feel kind of bad about being suckered into 2 terms of a Bush presidency will have a reason to believe that you will be different. While the media is doing a post mortem on the Republican Party you slide right into the White House. It'll work, dawg. Trust me.

Good luck and bless your heart,

Scripto