More Invasion of the Species

My entire back yard was graded down to the clay when they built the highline next to the house. That was in 1913 and the soil has yet to recover. Shaded by a row of decaying rock maples,  the flat spots can grow only dirt and the occasional clump of quack grass and the railroad bank and fence line grow everything else, mostly a feeble vegetable garden and my collection of invasive plants. I do have some native plants - poison ivy and pokeberry. Yay.

Trumpet vine (Campsis radicans) - inherited this. The parent vine seems to have died but runners are popping up all over. No blooms this year, though.

Morning Glory (Ipomoea nil) - my fault. Can't say I wasn't warned. I managed to infest my father's place with these things and I heard about it until the day he died. They looked nice on his trellis, though. Supposedly the seeds have hallucinogenic properties if you eat hundreds of them. Blecch. Oddly enough I don't know if this is true. I also have a wild variety embedded in my garden that seems to propagate by runner instead of seed. I'll never get rid of it. It's the hydra of morning glories.

Garden of Invasive Species

Apparently, I am very, very good at growing invasive species. Invasive Species gardening is easy - they practically grow themselves! So easy you can do it, too. But if the DCNR gets wind of what's infesting my quarter acre estate they will order a napalm strike on my back yard.  Here are some ecology destroying plants that I either inherited or planted myself because I'm not all that bright :

G

Tree of Heaven (Ailanthus altissima) - Jumped the railroad tracks about 30 years ago. Heaven must stink if it's full of these dirty, smelly useless punkwood bastards. Easy to uproot but they just keep coming back - prime candidate for chemical warfare.

Golden Bamboo (Phyllostachys aurea) - grabbed a couple of clumps as a screen for the railroad from an old homestead when I moved to town. It spread pretty well just north and south alone the high line bank although  over the last year or so a couple of shoots have escaped down into the yard. So what. What's it gonna do - disturb the dog shit? It would have to get by the chemical barrier my neighbor's massive English walnut puts up to escape west. There's a bridge north, the chemical wasteland of the double track east so all it can do is go  south. At the rate it's spreading it will be 50 years before it crosses the property line and I'll be dead or way beyond caring.  Besides it has to get by some other successful invaders to go any further. Stay tuned...

Who Said What?

Can you separate the psychopath from the sociopath? Which of the below quotes comes from baby killing mass murderer Timothy McVeigh and which is from confused loon Sharron Angle, the Nevada Republican nominee for the US Senate?

 a."The government is afraid of the guns people have because they have to have control of the people at all times. Once you take away the guns, you can do anything to the people. You give them an inch and they take a mile. I believe we are slowly turning into a socialist government. The government is continually growing bigger and more powerful and the people need to prepare to defend themselves against government control."

b."What is a little bit disconcerting and concerning is the inability for sporting goods stores to keep ammunition in stock," she said. "That tells me the nation is arming. What are they arming for if it isn't that they are so distrustful of their government? They're afraid they'll have to fight for their liberty in more Second Amendment kinds of ways? "That's why I look at this as almost an imperative. If we don't win at the ballot box, what will be the next step?"

c."If this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies..."

d."Taxes are a joke. Regardless of what a political candidate "promises," they will increase. More taxes are always the answer to government mismanagement. They mess up. We suffer. Taxes are reaching cataclysmic levels, with no slowdown in sight. [...] Is a Civil War Imminent? Do we have to shed blood to reform the current system? I hope it doesn't come to that. But it might."

e."Half of the country is working to produce and pay the taxes and pay the bills, the other half is living off the taxpayers -- they’re living off the other 51 percent."

Tough, isn't it?   McVeigh - a.,d.  Angle b.,c.,e.

Freak Me Out

Time to pack up. It is amazing how time zips by. Household chores today. Every thing is ok here. See you soon.

Love to all - Dad

Don't use my laptop much except while on vacation.  Found it in my email under the header Too Fast. Dad died last November so I'm thinking that time has stopped zipping by for him. But "see you soon"? I don't think I like that at all.

(and yes, my loyal reader - more catharsis. I'm full of catharsis - I'm the most catharsisarean guy you'll ever meet. And don't make me look up any more words)

The World's Worst Catholic™ Explains Why God Allows Requires Pain and Suffering

Our grandaughter was born with a sacrococcogeal teratoma which necessitated a helicopter ride to a surgery center for removal of the tumor and, as there was a germ cell malignancy  found in the liver, she had to undergo chemotherapy for the first 9 months of her life. This left her bald, sick and continually in the hospital to deal with urinary tract infections and pneumonia resulting from her compromised immune system. She has been in remission for 6 years but the surgery has left her incontinent, without muscle mass around her sphincter and nerve damage to her bladder. The tumor displaced her hip so surgery and a spica cast were required to realign her hip. So each day is a continual round of medications to bolster her kidney function and laxitives and immodium to try to time her bowel movements so that she is more or less (mostly less) socially continent. She has also developed mild epileptic seizures that require medication and a regimen of high calorie foods to maintain her weight. But, all in all, she's a happy, well adjusted kid. Things have stabilized to the point where we only have to drive the 150 miles to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia a few times a year. Once a year we have a followup for the cancer survivors program in the oncology wing. It's a tough trip.

"In a recent Angelus message Pope Benedict XVI hit on the very core of the Church's belief that, there is, in fact a great value and worhiness to be found in human agony. To be sure, the Church's understanding of human suffering lies at the very heart of salvation itself."

 Thanks, Pope, I feel much better now. Next time I see a bald, sick unto death, bewildered four year old with a port in his chest in the oncology wing I'll remember that human suffering is all part of God's love for us. Without it we would face eternal suffering. Or when I see a 20 year old athlete with an inoperable brain tumor barely able to move from the combined effects of radiation and chemo I'll tell her, " Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? Yet not one will fall to the ground apart from you Father's will."  A little transcription error here, a stray neutino there, a modest mutation in a regulatory sequence. All part of the Big Guy's master plan. Doomed to a short agonizing life with an incurable birth defect because your parents follow the Church teaching that a merciful abortion is a mortal sin? Well, that's all God's will.
If I weren't such a spiritual fellow, and having seen children in all stages of disease and disability, I would almost think that there really isn't any purpose to this pain and suffering. That a transcription error is just a transcription error, a stray neutrino is just a stray neutrino, the sparrow just gets sick and dies and shit just happens. If I weren't such a spiritual person I would almost think that a person's time would be better spent volunteering at the local hospital than praying  and contributing weekly to Doctors Without Borders or the Ronald McDonald House than dumping those bucks in the collection plate. If I weren't such a spiritual person I'd almost think Benedict and the Church are full of shit and lionizing suffering is a weak argument designed to give meaning to something that has none and to perpetuate a superstition who's only rationale is its own existence. If I weren't such a spiritual person I would almost think that, if there is a God, he's asleep, dead or just doesn't care and all we really have are each other. If I weren't such a spiritual person, that is.

Dropping the F Bomb

I suppose it's my own fault because I used it first. But it still makes me wince when I hear my seven year old granddaughter use the F - word. That would be the word "family". For some reason I got it in my head to start a new family tradition - Friday Family Movie Night. So every week I try to track down some god awful fun for the family G rated snoozefest and it's not easy satisfying a group with such diverse interests. My taste runs to sci-fi/zombie, Brennie likes well made films that plumb the depths of the human condition - you know good movies (bleh) and the granddaughter likes to watch the same episode of Big Time Rush over and over and over again. She's picked up on the fact that my heart melts when I think of her being stuck with her grandparents for a family.  So now everything is family - Family Swim Day, Family Go to Burger King Day, Family Buy Me a Toy Day - Please - how about a Family Shoot me in the Head Day? I'm trapped in the Family Circle.

Baaaad Boys

So we're trapped between the incessant anality of accounting (we hate to see them coming) and the skewed nerdosity of D & E (Palin's not the only Shakespeare around here). Our office conversations revolve (or devolve) around four basic topics:

1. Sports
2. Boobs
3. Calling everyone who wears a new shirt, or one that isn't stained or smelly, gay
4. Sheep fucking

Scripto, you say, since you live in a dairy producing region why is sheep fucking such a hot topic? I'm not sure. I guess it's just the way we those guys roll. Maybe being around cows all the time makes sheep seem kind of exotic and sexy. I read in the paper about a guy who went to jail for...um... making love to a turkey. But that was a couple counties east. There are some sick fuckers out there.  Personally, I find the whole concept not only illegal but mildly disturbing. Tradition demands that we call all employees that make the trip to work over the mountain from the next county over "sheepfuckers". This is, of course, an exaggeration. They are not all sheepfuckers. Some of them have sisters.

So one of these guys from over the mountain made the mistake of talking about a sheep one day. I'm sure the whole thing was perfectly innocent but when he was asked whether the sheep was a boy or a girl he answered-

"I'm not sure. I didn't look at its face."

It's going to take a while to live that one down.

Dumbest Thing I Ever Saw

  From the 'Hey Let's See If Some Idiot Will Buy This' Dept at Columbia Sportswear

Comes with antler headband and clip on tail. I don't know about you but I think a guy would look a little peculiar wandering around the woods in that outfit. You'd either get laughed to death by your fellow hunters, shagged to death by a nearsighted Grizzly or shot. Or all three. Maybe it's a furries thing.

Bout Effing Time

We now hold that the FCC’s policy violates the First Amendment because it is unconstitutionally vague, creating a chilling effect that goes far beyond the fleeting expletives at issue here.

I led a very sheltered life in the sixties. My parents never swore, nor did my aunts, uncles or grandparents (although on occasion my Lithuanian grandma would mutter something under her breath that may or may not have been inappropriate). Sure the folks drank and smoked and fought a lot but who didn't? Haven't you ever seen Madmen? Occasionally a "hell" or "damn" and rarely a "shit" but never a "fuck" or (my personal favorite) a "shitfuckers". I remember being totally shocked when I saw my father give someone the finger and yelling "yeah, right here!"  when he was driving me to school. At the time I didn't even know what it meant but I was shocked, shocked, I tell ya and I knew it was something bad because when I asked him about it he told me to shut up. A defining moment in my life or, for some reason, one I remember. I lost my innocence right there. In the suburbs of Philly the unpleasantness was 20 miles away, Vietnam was some pictures in Life magazine or (I shit you not- I think I don't, anyway - you know how memory is) an episode on American Sportsman or Wide World of Sports about hunting Viet Cong and the hippies with their reefers and LS and D were off in San Francisco.

        But I've grown up a little. I like some "hells", "damns", "bastards", and "bitches" in my cop shows. Although "God damns" and "Jesus Christs" are curiously absent and I wouldn't mind a little blasphemy now and again to make it more realistic. And on cable it seems idiotic to bleep out John Stewart when you know exactly what he's saying and substituting "frak" for the F word in the late lamented Battlestar Gallactica. C'mon, almost the entire human race has been destroyed by robots and the rest are fleeing for their lives. If that doesn't deserve a "we are fucked" nothing does.
       But there have to be some standards or chaos will reign. I'd be a different (and probably not a better) person if I grew up watching Howdy Fucking Doody or if Mr. Rogers looked out at me and said, "Won't you be my neighbor, you little fucker." Adult and children's programing should be held to different standards. I don't want to have to explain what a blow job is when my grandkids and I are watching Hannah Montanah. And I don't  want to hear Caillou's dad say when Caillou comes in the bedroom after having a bad dream, "Get the fuck out of here, you bald headed freak, I'm trying to do your mom." And what if, because of the ADA, they have to keep Nina (Melanie was fired because she appeared in two spoof PSA's  - too bad - I liked her and PBS can suck it) on the Good Night Show even after it is discovered that she has developed Tourettes?

Hey!
Hurray! (cock!)
We had another (fuck! suck! cock!) fantastic day
And (shit fuck cock motherfucker) now it's time to say-
Good
Banana?
Good (bitch! shit! cock!)
Noona?
Gooooood Niiiiiiight! (fuck! shit! pussy! cock!)

That would be bad.

More On Birth Control from The World's Worst Catholic™

                                   Damn Humanae Vitae

"I don't want to overstate or understate our level of concern," said McQuade, the Catholic bishops' spokesperson. "We consider [birth control] an elective drug. Married women can practice periodic abstinence. Other women can abstain altogether. Not having sex doesn't make you sick."

Well, it makes me sick. Moping around depressed all day can't be healthy. And the begging is bad for my self esteem. The Catholic Bishops are living proof that lack of a healthy caring sex life leads to all sorts of unhealthy perversions - like man on altar boy sex and sticking your beak in the secular American political process to control everyone's access to birth control.

"I don't want to overstate or understate our level of concern" - how meaninglessly thoughtful                                                                                             

"We consider [birth control] an elective drug." - taking birth control drugs is still elective - insurance companies would be required to subsidize the cost as part of the benefit package. If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

"Married women can practice periodic abstinence" - abstinence during their periods ? - but that's when they are least likely to get pregnant. If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.


"Other women can abstain altogether."  - yeah, that works. If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

In the search for a leaner, meaner church the Magesterium has brought out this hoary old birth control chestnut once again. It didn't work in the 60's for American Catholics and it will only work now for those too intellectually challenged to see the fundamental disconnect. If you consider abortion a moral evil you need to be pro birth control. Abortion is not an easy choice and I think those of us that can't get pregnant shouldn't have a choice in the matter. My position is that, until the fetus can live outside the womb on its own, the decision to carry to term is up to the woman. Anyway you look at it, as a method of birth control, abortion is expensive and should be a last resort. No matter how they try to pretty it up theologically, the Church's position is fundamentally stupid - I'll say it again- If you want to reduce abortions you need to reduce unwanted pregnancies - and that means universal access to cheap birth control.

And the Conference of Catholic Bishops can go fuck themselves with a pointy hat. We're not going to listen to them anyway.

There is a War on Christmas

Either this is an assault on Christmas or there is a problem with the translator at Santa's Workshop™ - Shanghai Division.  Either way I'm glad I got the small Satan, although the whole Antimatter thing has me a little concerned about plugging it in. Maybe the neighbors won't notice.

Heard at Work

I couldn't find a family friendly image implying dicks going in and out without actual dicks going in and out

From a former employee corrected for viewing inappropriate material.

"It's not porn if there's no dicks going in and out of it."

Which would be a far more accurate definition of obscenity than I know it when I see it and  violation of contemporary community standards.

Feel the Love

 Dr Pipi. I do not like or love you. But I do like and love brenda. Can we go buy some more fish Plese. Why? Because I want to buy some fish that are the ones that I like. OK. ok Jasmine
can we go to wall maret to get them.

Makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it? The why after the first sentence or two appears in all her notes, a technique I think she learned in first grade journal class. It is usually followed by because it is fun or because I like to. Why? Because it counts as a sentence, I guess and you gots to have at least 3.

Worst Father's Day Eveh

Well, naming you "Beaver" just seemed funny at the time

Got lost - that's not supposed to happen. Especially not on Father's day. Especially not when I had to admit it and most especially not since I looked it up, wrote it down and somehow missed the turn anyway. My navigator was busy blabbing away on the phone and I didn't give her enough "time" to find Rt. 32. Stupid iphone. And I didn't even get to yell at her since I "knew" where I was going. Stupid Expedia. But I didn't say anything, although I wanted to and she knew I wanted to. Bad things happen when I do. To me.  One of our first major arguments was over the correct method of barbecuing, which ended with several pounds of raw chicken being flung into the dirt during our tug of war over the platter. (She laughed - I knew at that moment that this was the woman for me). So I'm pissed and fucking stewing over having to backtrack. Then this:

Why the silent treatment - I didn't yell at you.
Well, I tried to make conversation - you didn't seem  interested.
What I thought - Oh Jesus, It's Father's Day - do I have to talk, too?
What I said - Shit, I'm sorry.

Of course, we have to take 3/5's of the grandkids with us which means 87 stops everytime one of the little whiners needs fed, watered or bathroomed. If it was just me I'd never stop - I once drove from Pittsburgh to Fort Collins in 28 hours straight thru - gas and coffee only. That's how a real man rolls.

Rep. Barton Chokes on Misconstrudel

Barton couldn't have been more clear if he had published his apology as an Op-Ed in the Times.

"I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong is subject to some sort of political pressure that is - again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown," Barton said. "So I apologize."

OK, bye. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I'm sure Barton would rather live in a country where compensation claims have to wind through decades of litigation, enriching generations of lawyers, before the injured party is made whole. Get the original apology and watch the cutaway to BP exec Hayward during Barton's apology for Obama being a meanie - Hayward's got that what the fuck is this guy talking about? look on his face. Our congress is making BP look like the model of competency.


And still smoking something that can't be good for you - Rep. Michele Bachman (R-wacko), proprietor and client of the Watch Out Behind You, Jesus Is Coming Therapy and Homosexual Rehabilitation Center. Look into her eyes - the crazy is strong in this one:

“They have to lift the liability cap. But if I was the head of BP, I would let the signal get out there — ‘We’re not going to be chumps, and we’re not going to be fleeced.’ And they shouldn’t be. They shouldn’t have to be fleeced and make chumps to have to pay for perpetual unemployment and all the rest — they’ve got to be legitimate claims.”

Sorry, Michele, to be head of a multinational corporation you have to be a ruthless sociopath, not a retarded one. I think the chumps are the people who voted for her. Poor BP - ponying up 20 billion out of a yearly profit of 24 billion. That's profit, mind you. The delicate dance the Obama Administration is doing is to get BP to pay up before they go belly up. It's in no one's interest to kill the company. It is also in no one's interest to ever, ever listen to Michelle Bachman.

Michelle and Joe sittin' in a tree
K-I-S-S on BP
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes an oil spill massive enough to wipe out an entire ecosystem for generations to come
In a baby carriage

And here is Sarah Palin, fresh from using her mad momma-grizzly skills to confuse herself further and quite possibly the only person on the planet who could make Bill O'Reilly look smart, taking a little friendly fire. Check out this clip on the Dumbotron:


OK. She's not even pretending to make any sense. I think even Sarah realizes that she is tagged with the Drill, Baby, Drill mantra forevermore. In the interview with O'Reilly she has that uncomfortable look of someone who's not sure whether they just shit their pants. Sorry, Sarah, something smells.

Why I'll Hide a Mexican in My Basement

For one thing, it's an unfinished basement. For another, I owe the Mexican people a debt of gratitude, or at least one Mexican people a debt of gratitude. As I pointed out in my previous post, on occasion I would use the boxcar as an alternative means of transportation between San Louis Obispo and Seattle. It was while sitting in a boxcar that I had my one and only contact with la migra which amounted to an accent and skin tone check. Guess they weren't looking for Lithuanian/Irish hippies from Philadelphia. The guy I was with was an Aussie on a cross country American adventure. Guess he didn't count as one of them either. At one point in the trip, somewhere around San Francisco, the slow freight stopped next to the BART line and about 5000 Mexicans got on. Men, women, children, all chattering away. So odd, like something you would see in a travelogue about the Calcutta Express, except that no one was actually sitting on the roof. We sat there as the airconditioned streamlined BART train whizzed past no more than 10' from us, carrying all of 4 paying customers. The freight chugged along for about 10 miles and everyone besides me and my buddy got off. In the middle of a bunch of fields. I don't know where they were going. Work, I suppose.

On my way back I rolled back into San Luis around 2 in the morning, hungry, tired with my poor long suffering dog Fred trailing along behind me. I walk by this restaurant and the dishwasher standing beside the back door smoking a cigarette. He motions for me to wait, walks back in the restaurant and brings me out a plate of food, a beer and a dish of water for my dog. We didn't have much to say, since I know no Spanish and he knew little or no English so I finished the meal, smoked a cigarette with him, thanked him and left. To this day I think it's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. That's why I'll hide a Mexican in my basement.

Riding the Rails 101

You can get from San Luis Obispo to Seattle on a dollar. I did, with change left over. Of course it was 30 some years ago and I spent the dollar on a pack of cigarettes so these days you better make it 5 bucks. Particularly if you want to smoke. Bear in mind these travel tips are from back in the day and may not hold true today. Southern (or was it Northern?) Pacific may well have beefed up their security procedures after those towers got knocked down. They always had the rep as being a hobo friendly railroad back then.

Woo University Rules of the Rails:

1. Don't ever jump on a moving train - there are no one- legged hoboes - fall under the train and, if you survive it, you will end up an ordinary bum on a mechanic's crawler, panhandling for sterno in a big city somewhere. I only violated this rule once and that was to avoid arrest. A cop was sitting at a crossing with his lights flashing pointing at me as I walked alongside a freight that was slowly picking up speed. I tossed my dog Fred in the boxcar and jumped in after him, successfully making my escape.
2. Don't step in the track switch area - the switches are remotely operated. If your foot gets caught you are royally screwed because there's a train coming and you're not going anywhere.
3. Look for a boxcar with a wooden floor - corrugated steel floors are cold and uncomfortable but a wood floor was rare then and I imagine they may be non-existent now.
4. Find a large cardboard packing box and roll yourself up in it forming a tube open at the ends. Warm and toasty all night long.
5. Stay out of the transient camps if you're traveling alone. Bad things can happen.
6. You can always get food - hop off at any town and hit the mission or Salvation Army. It's a great country, full of Christians.
7. Stick to the slow freights or you may get hassled by the yard detectives. I rode a fast freight carrying piggyback trailers out of San Francisco once. Best ride of my life. Straight through, stopping for nothing, they even moved passenger trains to the side. When we hit the mountain passes they would bring up 3 locomotives behind to push it up the mountain. Mail train - we was flyin'. Bumped off in Medford. The yard detective asked me what I was thinking riding under a trailer clearly marked "explosives".  "I dunno - just trying to get home." "Well, stick to the slow freights and we won't bother you."
8. Oh, and ladies. I don't care if you've seen Boxcar Bertha - this mode of travel ain't for you.

Hat tip to Sweet (an old black guy who carried all his worldly possessions in a blue plastic dish tub) and Phil from Wilkes-Barre (nice guy but quite possibly had a bit of a drinking problem) who kept me from being dumber than I was. I imagine you guys are on the slow freight to eternity about now. Hope the floor is wood and the weather is warm.

She Said What?

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there, and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico -- now, if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case," 

Sarah Palin redirecting "Drill Baby Drill"

Part-time Alaskan Governor Palin  went on to say that if Obama was any kind of President at all he would take the Seaview  (Sub-Force One) from its secret dock under the Potomac and go drop a tactical nuke Russian style in that runaway well, kind of like that President did in Independence Day. Ignoring the fact that the McCain campaign enjoyed a 3 to 1 campaign finance advantage from the oil companies Palin went on to imply that Obama was in bed with BP because of that massive 77k contribution which gave BP and only BP a free get out of cleanup card. Obama and BP knew this would happen. Just like the Muslim Socialist Overlords of the Kenyan village where Obama was born knew that 47 years hence he would be elected President of the United States and posted a birth notice in the Honolulu Advertiser to cover their tracks.

To my liberal friends Keith, Rachel, Bill (and maybe Mr. Potato Head):  Unless you are aware of some sort of Emergency Blowout Agency in the Department of the Navy that has the welding robot deep sea submersibles with operators trained in all facets of deep sea drilling that should have been  airlifted into action at the first sign of trouble, quit squawking at the Government to do something. Unless your plan is to have the Navy deploy a tactical nuke, shut the fuck up.

To my conservative friends Sarah, John, Rush, Joe:  Thanks for "Drill Baby, Drill!", the massive tax credits to the oil industry and gutting every regulatory agency that could have prevented this disaster. If you plan on calling this Obama's Katrina - shut the fuck up.

To Mike Barnicle:  Please, please - just shut the fuck up.

To my American friends:  If you drive a car and are looking for someone to blame - try a mirror. And shut the fuck up.

Physician Lynches Self - Blames Lesbian Conspiracy

Because, yeah, they can play things and want to say, 'Oh you believed in beating up people that were trying to sit in restaurants in the 1960s.' And that is such a ridiculous notion and something that no rational person (that's why she asked you, Rand)  is in favor of . [But] she went on and on about that."

Ron Paul on the Laura Ingraham show. Calling his appearance on the Rachel Maddow show "a poor political decision" - gee ya think?, Paul said it will never ever ever ever happen again. By that he means appearing on the Rachel Maddow show, not saying something stupid. He seems to be constitutionally incapable of making sense - some sort of Tea Party Tourette's. I can't wait until someone asks him about Social Security or Medicare. But it won't be Rachel - not that she was unfair. If anything, she bent over backwards to give him a chance to say something not too terribly stupid. She may have given him the rope - but he tied the knot and kicked over the chair himself.

Too bad. A little Libertarian injection into the electoral process would have been interesting. But Rand Paul's anti-choice as far as abortion. What kind of Libertarian is that? More like the contradictory and incoherent set of Tea Party principles. Fear and conservative social engineering dressed up in fake fiscal responsiblility. Both Pauls have batshit crazy ideas - but the old man is way sharper.

And Some Chicken Nuggets to Go for My Friend in the Back of the Bus

From the What Was He Thinking? Dept. at Woo University a curious exchange between Rand "I'm not racist but that doesn't mean I want to sit next to them at McDonalds" Paul and the sharp as a tack Rachel Maddow. But this was an easy one for her. She just had to clear away a few clouds of obfuscation to get at the gist of what Paul was trying to say about the Civil Rights Act (the correct answer, Mr. Paul, is "yes, of course I support it").  After wandering down the rabbit hole of the history of slavery in Boston during the 19th century, an aside that confused not only Maddow but the rest of America, Paul managed to blurt out something about being against government sanctioned racism. He said this several times so I assume the implication is that private sector racism is OK, being based on the First Amendment Right of Free non - Association. Or something like that. It was kind of confused and not nearly as clear as Reagan's States Rights Trip to Philadelphia, Mississippi, but you get the message. Straight from the I Got Mine So Fuck the Rest of You and It's OK if You're Scared of Negroes wing of the Libertarian Tea Party.

Paul went on to say he would have been marching right alongside Dr. King back in the day. As long as he didn't have to sit next to him on the bus ride down.

The World's Worst Catholic™ Explains the Rite of Exorcism

It's bullshit. There. Need some more explanation? Let me dish out a little theology from the Catholic Cafeteria where I have my own table (and usually sit by myself). I know the cool kids have a different perspective on exorcism and mainly just get upset when it's done "wrong" but I'm here to tell you that there is no "right" way to cast out demons simply because you can't cast out what doesn't exist. I like to think there are better explanations for unacceptably crazy behavior. The whole idea of a personified evil force is an idea so off base it should be relegated to the ash heap of history along with voodoo, witchcraft and Newt Gingrich being an intellectual force in modern thought. As my friend Charlie the Episcopalian Priest (it's ok - that's almost catholic) told me - there is God and not God. Evil only exists in the absense of the ineffable one. You can no more pin down evil than you could stuff and mount a jellyfish to your wall. Evil is entropy - the dissolution of order - death, decay - all the stuff that has to happen. Our original sin has nothing to do with choice and everything to do with the universe we live in - it is in our baser natures selected for survival. Our job, if we choose to accept it, is to identify these forces of selection and resist them. So by identifying a demon and trying through ritual, magic or force of will to cast it out you are doing nothing more than giving chaos form and creating demons to inhabit the possessed and the priest's interior worlds. No demons exist outside the boundaries of our internal mental states. Nor do any gods - but that's for another time.

Not Your Mama's Carol Wright

We were shocked - shocked I tell you! Tucked amidst the Mister Steamy, Magic Mop, Tropical Rompers and various homeopathic remedies were two pages loaded with enough, uh, personal care products to satisfy a Republican Senator. Pictured at left is a device with the patented Butterfly Kiss. My Grammy, a dedicated shopper in years gone by, wouldn't have approved. At least, I hope not. And how about this glowing recommendation from a happy penis pump buyer:

I have owned two of these pumps over the last 10 years, a buddy bought one for me. Really do enjoy the manual one. It is great for expanding and helping when needed. Just loved it and plan to buy me another one for this christmas. I have one that cost $400 buck, real medical pump, like this one better, more uses.

Hey, what are friends for? Although I have to wonder what other uses he's talking about. And  $149 for the battery operated and $90 for the manual ( that sounds like asking for a heart attack to me - after all, who wants to take the time to pump up a tire in the middle of the race?) seems a little salty  to me. I could slap something together using a vacuum cleaner and hose clamp for one tenth the cost.

Happy Birthday Dad

May 6, 1924 - November 24, 2009. Funny how two boys from the same seeds can look at the world so differently. We've been slowly going through Dad's estate - the final repository of a multi generational collection of knick knacks and pictures. My brother lives in a more spirit haunted world than I, going as far as to keep the door closed to dad's bedroom where the old man took his final dive. He says he feels dad's presence throughout the house and he doesn't like it. He's ready to move on. I feel it, too but I like it. I'm a hoarder of memories and I'm not ready to let go of that physical connection.

So we tossed the clothes first thing, secured the Bronze Stars and campaign ribbons, and started moving out his plants. We can't bring ourselves to get rid of the Vitalis and Aqua Velva sitting on the shelf next to the shower. Even though neither one of us had that father-son Aqua Velva moment like in the commercial - you know the one - where, after a bracing father-son game of catch in the yard, the old man tosses the kid the Aqua Velva and the kid says - Cool. And the old man smiles knowingly. We never had a moment like that. And now we never will. And it is unlikely that I could get my daughter to wear it. And I am not allowed to wear it. I have been instructed to remain scent neutral.

Aqua Velva - firms, tones
and if you got the shakes you can drink it.

Newsweek - 8/21/61

Hijacking was a fun trip to Cuba instead of a flaming death dive into a skyscraper, Vietnam was still the "Peanut War" and the Commies were on the run, Kennedy was still kickin, as was Nasser and TWA, the Dow skyrocketed to 722.61 and tough guys played football with broken necks - for a while, anyway. Oh, and Newsweek actually had a bunch of pages - with words on them, no less.

I Shoulda Been an Astronaut

It's dead, Jim? Give me 60 credits and I'll give you a pill that will make it stick up like this

Heard an interview with a disgruntled surgeon on NPR's Marketplace yesterday as I was pulling into the Walmart parking lot. Since I was trying to remember a spark plug number and only caught the last part of the interview, I probably shouldn't comment. But I will. I find well off people whining about stuff that hasn't happened yet extremely interesting. And I don't have to put anything in context. Or even be reasonably accurate. It's a blog.

The guy is a surgeon down south somewhere and doesn't quite have that Marcus Welby attitude we like in our doctors. Some of the gripes are understandable - excessive cost of malpractice insurance and excessive court judgements. I wish the new health care legislation had addressed those. But the stuff about some undefined "agency" coming between him and his patient. I got the distinct impression he was talking about the fee structure between him and his patient. Boo fucking hoo. If it's not the government through Medicare beating him down, it's the insurance companies. But unless he's 110 years old it's not like he didn't know that going in. Doc ends the segment saying that he'd leave medicine tomorrow ( for a job that pays a minimum of 150K) and so would all his doctor buddies. I get the impression that his patients wouldn't object too strongly.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. Eight to ten years of schooling following by the constant pressure of not fucking up enough to get sued or kill someone. I'm certainly not built for that kind of work. I screw up all the time, but hey, it's just money and nobody dies. The decision to enter the medical profession should be based on more than the promise of future financial reward. And I'm sure it is initially for a lot of doctors and maybe all the bullshit regulations and bullshit people they have to deal with destroy that initial Marcus Welby (I guess most of them want to be House now but without the bad leg) feeling. I'm sympathetic.

Update: I'm less sympathetic. On the way home from work I fell in line behind an overloaded lowboy, escorted front and back. On the lowboy was a yacht or cabin cruiser of some sort. 40 or 50 feet? I dunno. It was big. Stenciled across the stern............Medicine Man.

Double update: Shit. I found the link and I just reread the interview and I realize I may have misinterpreted the good doctor. Well, more than may have - I did. My apologies - but I'm going to post anyway, striking out my more blatant errors and claim it involves a generic doctor who speaks at Tea Bagger rallies.

All You Tots - Drink My Shots

Tracy Gray, the zoo’s manager of public and media relations, says “Mr. Roethlisberger isn’t the most popular person lately."

Agreed.  Too bad. He carried that team on his back last year but this is just too creepy. And there seems to be a pattern here. College kids, college bars? Making a move with your dingle dangling? Stay classy, Ben. I've been a Steeler fan for about 40 years and I don't generally care about an athletes personal life but I just can't look at the team the same way unless they dump him. I can't imagine Mr. Rooney is too happy either.

And speaking of dingles dangling in the breeze. I know just how disconcerting it can be to be exposed to a weiner when you least expect it. In fact, I still remember the incident so I may well have been scarred for life. We were on our way to Bookbinders in downtown Philly, my brother and I tagging along behind the parents when we were approached by a loud, incoherent drunk with his dick hanging out. Dad put his arm around Mom and without a word ,navigated her around the danger zone, leaving my brother and me hanging. I guess in that situation it's every man for himself. The parents never said a word. We did. "Hey, did you see that? Ewwwwww!". I don't care who you are. That shit's creepy.

When You're Right...

So, Kelsey, about babysitters -if loving them is wrong, do you want to be right?

The World's Worst Catholic™ Explains The Practice of Religion

To me church was always like a pep rally for Jesus and I've always hated pep rallies. Every week or so they'd drag the entire junior high down to the gym to pep on the Red Raiders of Radnor who were god awful at any sport, anywhere. The idea being that forcible pep is better than no pep at all. You couldn't just say no so I'd sit there, morose, unhappy and refuse to pep. I hated being told to be peppy and Mr. Keene, the Pepmaster, would roam the boards urging the crowd into ever louder cries of pepism. He was a master but I remained immune to his charms and just sulked on that hard, cold bleacher. And I'm guessing my little act of rebellion passed unnoticed. But some kids were into it, really into it. And by and large most of the girls were into it and now that I think about it, the peppiest guys seemed to have the most active social lives. In retrospect, I may have miscalculated by not participating, since a bespectacled, 4'10", pimply guy needs any kind of edge he can find. As I said, some kids were totally into it, dancing around and cheering, some kids were kind of into it, clapping their hands, some kids would let out a half -hearted "woo hoo" once in a while and some kids, like me, would just sit there and glare. What the fuck does this have to do with spirituality, you may ask? Bear with me. I'm crafting something here... an analogy or a metaphor or something.

Which brings me to PZ Myer's latest spittle flecked attack (it's almost like he's wearing a hair shirt all the time) on fellow travelers who don't toe the hard line. This week it's poor Massimo Pigliucci, who wrote something to piss him off. And since I like Massimo because he sounds like Father Guido Sarducci, I will come to his defense and explain why Professor Myers is completely off base.

Belief in God and, more specifically, the practice of religion is more like a giant junior high pep rally than the actual game itself, where you have clearly defined sides. The continuum is not between believers and non-believers, the continuum lies between those who are irrevocably sure of their position, whether atheist or believer and those who don't really give a shit. It's not whether you believe or not but the importance you assign to belief or non belief. If you're going to get all bent out of shape about it you're on the same side of the continuum as any devout Seventh Day Adventist or glaring kid at the pep rally. I would think that in church, as in my pep rallies, there are a goodly number of non-believers or sometime believers in the pews, letting out a half hearted "amen" on occasion and just there for any number of social reasons. And religion's handy when people die. I can attest to this. Centuries of finely honed funeral rites are handy in channeling grief, not to mention for doing something with the body. I just can't see an Atheist Grief Ceremony as being much use. So, really PZ, I'm not a believer either, but what's the harm in a little churchin'? An atheist can never be truly free until he's comfortable enough to sing in the choir.

Leave Tiger Alone!

I tuned in to Moronic Joe this morning for my minimum required daily dose of stupidity as required by MSNBC. Gets me goin'. The stupid flows through my brain like shit through a goose and I got to get my stories in before the grand daughter gets up and changes the channel to Imagination Movers. I love those guys and their problem solvin'. And it's probably more of an educational experience than Morning Joe for both of us.  So the big story was that Tiger Woods managed to get through all four rounds of the Masters without grabbing some visored belle from the gallery, tossing her in a bunker and tapping her ass. Joe (can I call him Joe?)  tsk tsks his way through the segment, evidently displeased that Tiger didn't crawl the course on his hands and knees with his caddy  flagellating (that's flagellating,  people)  him the entire way. Also displeased by the fact that Tiger conducted the post round interview without breaking down and crying, and, worst of all managed to finish tied for fourth after a five month layoff. To top it off, Woods was not sufficiently yes massa to what Scarborough calls the great folks at Augusta Plantation and Golf Club. Two great traditions at Augusta - no chicks and dressing the caddies like field hands.  Then Scarborough polls his crew on their reaction to Tiger Woods, Mika looks disgusted, Mike Barnicle (in touch with the common man, if the common man was a drunk Irishman from 50 years ago) pulls his head out of his ass long enough to give a thumbs down, and Willie Geist, bless his heart, says "well, I like to watch him play golf". Well, Willie, I like to watch him play golf, too. You know why? Because he's the best fucking golfer to ever walk the planet, that's why. In fact, I like to root against him because he's so good it's hardly fair to the other guys. Joe ends the segment by mumbling something about mothers and kids and calling Woods a punk.  No Joe, a punk is someone who uses his holier than thou platform to slam a golfer whose misdeeds affect only his family and his poor sponsors while being curiously forgiving of wide stancing, mistress payoffing, diaper wearing Family Values Republican lawmakers whose actions actually affect a wide range of people. Well, maybe Joe's more of a douchebag than a punk.

And Another Thing...

Did you know that Jesus wasn't really a Jew?

 

On second thought, the religious motivations of Americans have played a large part in the history of this country. So maybe the Texas State School Board has somewhat of a point. But they need to be prepared to get more than they bargained for. I'm sure they'd like to stop with the idea that the founding of this country as a case of God driven American exceptionalism. Just like they push for human exceptionalism in biology. I'm thinking the real story is far more complex and fraught with inconvenient factoids for the budding revisionist Cracker historian. Texas children need to learn that the Puritans not only came to the New World to escape persecution but also to set up a theocracy where they could persecute the fallen unimpeded. Best to get the Dominionist leanings of the State School board out in the open by including tidbits of history like these from the Plymouth and Massachusetts Bay Colonies.

The Massachusetts "Body of Liberties" of 1641 stated that "if any man after legal conviction shall have or worship any other god, but the lord god, he shall be put to death."

"Sometimes the Scripture declareth women and children must perish with their parents ... We have sufficient light from the Word of God for our proceedings."  Capt. John Underhill on the slaughter of Pequot women and children

Then the kiddies can do some head scratching as to which side God was on during the Civil War:

The giving of the law at Sinai immediately preceded the promulgation of that body of laws called the "Mosaic System." Over the gateway of that system, dread words were written by the finger of God—"HE THAT STEALETH A MAN AND SELLETH HIM, OR IF HE BE FOUND IN HIS HAND, HE SHALL SURELY BE PUT TO DEATH." Ex.21.16 

Ephesians 6:5:Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.

Same book. Different rules. Now that's teaching the controversy. Of course, in Texas schools, religious heritage is code for a weird amalgam of fundamentalist Christianity and state sponsored patriotism mixed in with a little free market economics. They don't intend to put much emphasis on the progressive religious movements that helped abolish slavery, end child labor and promote civil rights. Save that Kumbaya stuff for the California schools.

Kickin' It Old School

 a little tighter, Mammy, you still look human to me

In economics, the revisions add Milton Friedman and Friedrich von Hayek, two champions of free-market economic theory, among the usual list of economists to be studied, like Adam Smith, Karl Marx and John Maynard Keynes. They also replaced the word “capitalism” throughout their texts with the “free-enterprise system.”



“Let’s face it, capitalism does have a negative connotation,” said one conservative member, Terri Leo. “You know, ‘capitalist pig!’ ”

Right, Terri with an i, all isms are bad. Communism, socialism, fascism, Unitarianism, antidisestablishmentarianism, Islamism and especialy jism. No sense confusing the kids with trying to sort out the good isms from the bad isms. They don't need to know what they mean, just that they are baaaad.

The board approved a standard requiring students to learn about “any unintended consequences” of the Great Society, affirmative action and Title IX. (3/11/10)

What unintended consequences? Like when they freed the slaves and they started wanting to vote and hold jobs other than picking cotton? Or when 50 years after the Civil Rights Act we elect a black president?  Or women playing basketball? What the fuck, is this some sort of code? According to the Texas State School Board a little revision in the history books is long overdue. They want to make sure that the Republican party of Lincoln is linked with the Dixiecrat Republican Party of Reagan, the Greatest American Who Ever Lived or Ever Will Live. Every white (or black) southerner knew exactly what he meant by claiming to be for "states rights" in Philadelphia, Mississippi.  Let's not forget that there were people like George Wallace who were against equal rights for blacks. Don't they deserve a mention, too? I mean just for balance. There are always two sides to every story. Of course only one side had ropes around their necks or bullets in their heads, but we won't mention that. Might upset the Heritage Not Hate crowd (although if my Heritage involved great-great grandpappy fighting to keep other people enslaved, I'd Hate to think I'd be dumb enough to wave around the Stars and Bars). I can see where this is going. Back to the same Birth of a Nation/Gone With the Wind bullshit history they fed my father. He told me once that the slaves didn't have it too bad. He went on to contrast  it with his father, who ended up a wage slave in the mines, paying off the mine boss to keep his job. Being the hippie that I am I felt compelled to take the anti-slavery side. Gone With the Wind forgot to mention the whippings, rapes, chainings and breakup of families that took place under Our Peculiar Institution.  Not to mention the night riders, fortified plantations and roadblocks necessary to keep a slave population in check. More like Nazi Germany than the Mammy-Jammy bullshit pictures these Texas dipshits have in their heads. Oh yeah, and it's not American Imperialism, it is now American Expansion. The difference being, I guess, with Expansion you get to kill all the Indians. If I had the money I would give every black, Latino, and Native American kid in Texas a laptop with broadband connection and let them challenge these ignorant crackers at every turn.

Apology Accepted

Paul's substitute elementary school teacher was hard of hearing and rumor had it that if the entire class rubbed quarters together at the same time it would drive her crazy. When the regular teacher got wind of this the class was instructed to pen the substitute an apology. This is the story of one heartfelt apology:

"I am sorry to make fun of your disorder and to annoy you. I think I did it because everybody else did it. I shouldn't of did it. I don't know why I did it because it doesn't work. Anyhow I am sorry and I won't do it again."

Assholier Than Thou

t

the archbishop explains why he's such a dick

The World's Worst Catholic ™ does not approve:

The archbishop of Denver on Tuesday defended a decision by a Catholic school not to allow two children to continue as students because their parents are a lesbian couple. Archbishop Charles J. Chaput said it was a "painful situation," but the decision by Sacred Heart of Jesus parish school in Boulder was in line with church teachings.

Almost as painful as a beating from a Christian Brother.

In his written statement Tuesday, Chaput said the parents of Catholic school students are expected to agree with church beliefs, including those forbidding sex between anyone other than married, heterosexual couples.
"The church cannot change these teachings because, in the faith of Catholics, they are the teachings of Jesus Christ," he said.

"After all", he went on, "If we let rug munchers become parents the whole system would collapse. They are just too 'in your face'. They don't even wear habits. What next? Gay Priests?"

 Ok, Now everybody just reach behind you...

Well, I guess we're fucked. We send our granddaughter to catholic school  and I can't think of any point of Catholic doctrine I agree with, let alone all of them. If they find us out, what are they going to do? Unbaptize her? Sins of the mothers, I guess.

Atheist Faithiest

Faithiest. Accommodationist. One har har perjorative and one mildly insulting. I guess put me squarely in the accommodationist camp. As if we unbelievers have a choice. I'm talking about the controversy raging  in the science blogs between those who consider religion the enemy of science and maintain that a person cannot justify holding religious and scientific methodologies in the same cranium ( the True Unbelievers) amd the Accommodationists (yay) who believe it is possible to be religious and a good scientist and, more importantly, that is necessary to reach out to people of faith and explain that it is possible to maintain their faith and accept the results of scientific inquiry, particularly regarding evolution. Of course, this ain't possible with a Young Earth Creationist. But they're setting up their own separate but unequal systems of "education" and "science". On the True Unbeliever side we have bloggers like Jerry Coyne, PZ Myers, Abbie Smith and Larry Moran on the Accommodationist side we have Josh Rosenau and John Wilkins. In the middle we have openly religious scientists like Ken Miller and Francis Collins, taking hostile fire from the Creationists and friendly fire from some of the science bloggers. Now Miller and Collins are big boys and I'm sure they were aware that they were going to take some shit for coming out with their weird fusion of science and religion. But that's their philosophy, not their science. As far as I can tell, no one in either camp has faulted them on their scientific work. I became aware of the controversy when ERV wrote a post slamming the appointment of Collins to head the NIH. The objections seem to stem from his professed evangelical faith and fear of what he might do rather than looking at what he has actually done. This smacks of ferreting out any sign of belief, even if it doesn't appear to influence the work. We have the spectacle of the True Unbelievers sniffing out any sign of belief, even in other unbelievers. Remind you of any other particular group? As Wilkins says (and, ahem, I have said) it is silly to argue whether a person can be religious and a scientist at the same time. We have thousands of examples that this can happen. The only points worth arguing are which questions can be tested and belong to science.

Freedumb

 

I think I see medicare in my future

Thank you so much for your support and for your love of our country. My book, Going Rogue, is dedicated to you - to Patriots - who fight for freedom!

Fight for what? What does freedom even mean? Freedom not to have a black president? Freedom to proselytize other peoples children? Freedom to go bankrupt because of medical bills? Freedom not to have to associate with people "not like us"? Freedom to be free of witchcraft? Freedom to rewrite history and ignore science. What exactly is she talking about and, more importantly, what freedoms have we lost under the Obama Administration? Patriots, my ass. More like the Know Nothing Party. Just what the country needs - more policies directed by pants wetting nativists. They learn their American history from TV westerns and their science from the Creation Museum. Trying to return to an America that never was.

Curiously absent from the Tea Party list of fears are the exact things that should make them afraid: The ability of the executive branch to declare anyone, citizen or not, an enemy combatant and hold them indefinitely without judicial review. All under the guise of wartime powers - the war, of course, undefined and lasting forever. No knock warrants, DUI roadblocks, random drug testing, pre trial seizing of assetts, eminent domain... How can people be so fearful of phantom assaults on their Constitutional rights that they ignore real assaults that are actually occurring? Don't tell me. I know. They're just fucking stupid.